THAT girl

Ugh! I'm so fucking pissed. I can't even write about it because I refuse to be THAT girl...a girl, the girl that gives a damn about anyone else and how they affect her. It was the right thing, the best thing. It was stupid and selfish and fucking ridiculous of me to want anything else. And I will not be the girl that gives a damn when it's over. I will stay focused on why it's over and remind myself that it is for the best. But that wave that washed over me when e. knew who I was talking about, when she said in private; it was so highschool, so stupid. I want to believe I am above that. I despise the part of me that hates their guts for making him happy. I am so wretchedly disgusting for being so selfish and so two-faced for saying that I want him to be happy. I do want him to be happy, honestly. But with someone substantial, that can give him what I can't, not some fucking floosie with her spankosluttiness. I'm a fucking hypocrite, I know. And I don't even want it back, because I know it wasn't right, but I want him to miss it like I do, not think I am THAT girl...that pathetic girl who thinks these lowly and childish things. I'm not THAT girl; I'm not!

Neglect, as I was recently, discussing with my gallie...it is what I fear silently. Because to fear it out loud would be selfish and infantile. But when it was over, it was the neglect that was the hardest...where once there was this epicness, this endurance, there is now awkward distance. And I knew, because I understood him, that it would be this way, and so I silently feared. And I tried not to be surprised when it happened like I knew it would, I tried not to say outloud that it hurt, but now I am here and those words can't be shoved back into the silence, and the neglect is louder and fuller and hungrier and what I know best, my best bandage--solace--can't help me, because solitude can't cure lonliness, especially when the voices in your head are so angry and sad. And I want that spanking so much...the one that reminds me I deserve the energy, I deserve the time...I am something and what I do is of consequence.