Dutch Doors to Happy

So, an update. And I know n has already heard all of this like, 150 million times with the whole girly giggling and insipid squealing, so bear with me. What does happy feel like to you?

In the last year or so, I've realized that my emotions manifest themselves into physical sensations. Sad feels like an ache in my lower jaw, worried or anxious is in my shoulders, and happy is in my throat.

I've done a lot of process work on my throat. When I was on my retreat, I made a self-portrait. One of the images in it was a door in the back of my throat with a handle and a lock. It's one of those Dutch doors, the kind that splits in the middle and had a handle, like the old-fashioned curved type. My mentor brought up the fifth chakra; the fifth chakra "is the center of expression and communication. This chakra relates to how honest we are with ourselves and others - whether we repress our feeling or openly express them." It's funny because recently JB asked me to do an excercise where I meditate and let one thought surface. My thought was something like, "My body does not want me to be open. It's closing the door in my throat since I won't hold it shut anymore."

It's true, you know. In the last year I have been opening the door and it's been scary and wonderful at the same time. I've gotten hurt, but I have grown; to me growth is worth a hundred times it's weight in pain. My point is this: I have recently gotten strep throat. I've never had it before in my life and I can't imagine how I got it since I have been hiding out for the last week or so. I could see it. My throat is swollen and spotty, wretched. I feel fine, except my throat is closed. I want this evolution, this journey, so badly but I feel like my body is betraying me, or maybe reminding me...to go slow. But I have gone slow about this my whole life!

The fifth chakra is associated with "self expression, creativity, addiction, criticism, faith, making choice, will, authority, and the expression of anger." The spiritual lessons related to it are "faith, confession, surrender of personal will to divine will, and truthfulness." Lastly, the purpose indicated is the "responsibility for one's self." I am a big picture thinker and these bits of information seem so amazingly in tune with my station at this moment, at many moments in my life. Submission is so entwined with these ideas--making choice, will, authority, confession, surrender, truthfulness. I want it so badly: the uncomplicated purity of submission.

Why mention the happiness part? Well, happy feels like rushing in my throat, behind the door. It slams up and down in there, up and down like a pinball or a Strong Man bell. It can't get out but it's trying. And the funny thing is that it just occured to me that that door is in the way. These physical manifestations are the result of keeping everything in; here this euphoria is trying to climax, so to speak, but I am shoving it back down the second it gets near the surface.

I can feel that when I think about the time I get to spend with JB, that happy in my throat banging around in there. And he's asking me to say it. Out loud. And I want to, so I keep tugging at that door, despite my body. I'm fighting myself but this time, I intend to win.