Fucked Up Again
I've been scared.
I am used to relating to men on sexual levels. I can handle that. It's simple and direct and superficial. It has always worked for me...I am able to please them. Why do I do that? It's easy. It gives me a way to feel connected. So often I feel unconnected and asleep. It's a fix, a bandage.
And JB may or may not have wanted to be more than my bandage. But I am too afraid to accept that that could be true. I had a long conversation with n and she convinced me to send the transcript to him. A transcript that feels so wretchedly naked. But I did it. She says I have nothing to lose. Why does that feel untrue? It's like how when you can't go forward, at least you're not going backward. Happily unhappy. Stagnation. It's so comfortable.
L: But it also makes me uncomfortable.
L: The level of adoration.
L: I am not used to it.
N: The adoration?
L: And he thinks I am unromantic.
L: He loves these things about me and says it.
L: And that's hard.
L: It's hard to explain why.
N: Hard how?
L: It's easier to take me for granted...like me take me for granted when I'm not the focus.
N: Nods...yeah.
N: I know what you mean.
L: And that kind of oblivion is a good place to hide.
L: So I see him as a target sometimes.
L: Keeping me from being able to hide like I like.
L: Out of my comfort zone.
L: None of this is about him.
L: It's about how I am reacting to him.
N: …and he is so earnest.
L: And I feel bad that he thinks it's going poorly.
L: When I'm just scared.
I'm always fucking up the things I want most. I really have to learn to feel deserving. How do you learn that?
posted by macaroon at 3:37 AM
6 Comments:
I wonder if like anything else...if it takes practice. You learned over time *not* to feel deserving....maybe over time, you will learn how to feel deserving.
And no matter how long it takes, just remember you have a secret team :) watching your back, there to provide a ramp when you hit a bump in the road.
And hopefully...when you fall in the hole, between the three of us, we have enough resources to find our way out.
And if we cant help you find your way out, I know I can promise you that we will be there with enough butane to share....to help put a small light on in the darkness.....just remember to bring your bic ;)
Thanks, Snap. What would I do without you guys? You're getting good at this ledge-talking. Professor should take notes from YOU.
Oh. Swoon of remembrance...soooo swoony. :)
I agree, it takes time.
If you can learn to NOT feel something, you can un-learn it too.
UN-learn?!? WTF? Did that even make sense?
Crap, I just "UN-learned" myself off of the Secret team!!!
Ohhh! That made me laugh. You're back on the secret team, Jerk!
Actually, I suspect never feeling like you are deserving of good things never quite goes away. That sounds odd, doesn't it?
Let me clarify: that instinct to automatically deny yourself that which you extend to others will always be. You never "feel" deserving; by now it is bone deep now, marrow deep.
However, with that said?
When you find that One who can walk the journey's path with you, no matter how long the day is, when you find that son-of-a-bitch who you have tried to throw rocks at, set up traps for, shot bullets at...and yes, tortured the poor hapless bastard through sleep deprivation...and set up whole minefields with tripwire just to keep him at that safe distance...and that masochistic IDIOT still has the balls, the brains, humor and the endless hubris to still take you on -- and take you down -- not in a stupidly neanderthalic manner, but with some class, some native intelligence and some inborn savvy...
That is the One who is going to change the order of the universe for you. And there is no "deserving" about it. You take it because you can't afford not to. You accept it because it fills that bottomless well of lonliness in you. You grab on and you hang on. Because you don't have a choice.
Suddenly, deserving changes form. Deserving changes meaning. Deserving becomes more than gratuitous gloss. You get what you deserve because it is so.
It never ends, really. You'll need lotta bic lighters.
poiesia
P.S. BTW, Yahoo Voice Chat beats any calling plan overseas.
I'm getting it, this yahoo chat you speak of. I wanna talk...eeek. p, you're so right!!!! Sigh. I can't believe how much he has endured this far and come back swinging...I never thought I'd find someone like MrH or the Professor...yall seemed to have lucked out. Those type of intuitive Doms with that 'class, native intelligence and inborn savvy' are few and faaaar between. How can it be mine? All mine?
But it is and he just keeps saying it is. And someday, I might really believe that.
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