My Other Half

Fucking balance. Why do I wish for balance?

My JB thing gets settled. Categorically, emotionally; I feel secure enough in that space. But to have that, it took a lot of hours. Hours that were taken away from B, hours that I think he's really feeling the absence of today, for the past few days.

B called me just a bit ago to ask if there would be time to talk tonight. I feel like such an asshole that my own boyfriend has to feel obligated to schedule our togetherness. You see, I went about this whole thing non-linearly. I love him with all my heart, soulmates. But there was this tiny part missing. Call it what you want--Dominant, Disciplinarian. This tiny part that I really need to be whole. It's not him that's lacking. It's me.

So p and n told me about their circumstances: husbands and Dominants. Now, granted they each go about it in their own ways, but the idea was the same. Two men with two different purposes. I think when one is surrounded by 'free-thinking' individuals that go against societal conventions of sexuality, love, and relationships, it is easier to accept what would traditionally be hard to fathom. I think I may have dived into this idea too fast.

I have been talking to B for a couple months now about this, keeping him informed on what it is I am doing. But I had, until the last couple weeks, been doing it poorly. There was no threat. Then I asked him why he hadn't been following up on the informative things I had asked him to (you see, I really did want him to be both, one man) and the shit hit the fan. We said things that left us really wondering how this could work. We've became this new dynamic--edgier, reclusive, too polite. And we're here now. Our time is so fragile; we are both worried that saying the wrong thing will end this. And neither of us wants that. Well, at least I don't.

But that constant state of anxiety is taking its toll. He's becoming moodier, depressed, unhappy where he was once thrilled. I'm smoking like a fiend and barely talking to him. We don't go to bed together, we don't wake up together. Circumstantially, we see each other less than ever. It's a bad place and I do want to fix it. It would seem that sacrifice is in order.

For now, even though JB gives me this peace of mind and emotional security that I do desperately need, my relationship with B is too precarious to force this extra strain on him. We will talk tonight. I want to do everything I can to reset our issues. I am scared of losing him. I'm scared shitless right now. I have never loved someone like him.