On Accountability

Sir: "I know you're a good girl really, little one, but you have to try."

I have been accountable to no one else for too long. As a girl who prioritizes everyone else's needs ahead of her own, when I finally get around to me, I am wrecked. As a bright, articulate woman, I have managed to skate through life using very little energy. I am a veteran procrastinator and expert bull shitter. I am the girl who gets solid Bs because there's no need to do better...I nailed the SATs like a dirty sailor at port; I've always gotten spectacular references. Why waste my time with the monotony of textbooks and paperwork?

And it's not taken very much more to maintain friendships, complete my education, or handle my job. Everyone is pleased with the level of energy I dedicate to the task at hand, because when I'm yours, I'm yours.

Could I do better?

Yes.

Why do I only give the minimum?

So many, many reasons: I am spread thin. I take on more than I should. I can't say no. I am passive-aggressive. I retreat rather than confront. I have never needed to work harder.

What of this?

Indeed. It has recently come to my attention that I am, in fact, fucking myself over. I am doing less and I am doing it at the last moment. I am stressed out and unprepared and have fallen into poor habits. And now, unable to hold myself accountable, I have given this to someone else. I have four new rules, goals really:

• I will be obedient with direct requests and orders.
• I will try very hard to be on time.
• I will adjust my language and eliminate obscenities when appropriate.
• I will exceed the minimum potential needed to complete tasks in life.

If I cannot meet them, I know I will be punished. I am very resistant to this. I hate, hate being someone else's burden. I have learned, through past experiences, not to fuss, not to need, not to be obtrusive or inconvenient. That someone else has to waste their own time on me is a fucking big-ass thorn in my side. But, at the same time, it wouldn't be honest to say that there isn't this teeny, tiny part of me that feels secure and valued as a result.

Sir: "You knew what you were doing, lola. It's unnacceptable. You can't be allowed to break your promises."

To be held accountable means that I do matter; consequences give me strength to make myself a priority. Consequences give me back something I have been lacking for a long time, something I am not sure I ever felt I had: Worth.