What have you done, you bad girl?

I am such a bitchy, bratty, arsy, horrible girl. Everytime JB asks me to do something, I just want to do the opposite. Even if I could do it, or would like to do it, I am having to force myself not to be oppositional. I know; this is totally disrespectful and not okay. I am not being the good girl I told myself to be...and the worst part is that it hurts when he's disappointed.

I fucked up. I know it. And no amount of silly punishments can put me back into the right frame of mind, the right mood. I have to shut the fuck up, do what I'm told, and behave myself. Why, oh why, is that so much easier to say than do? I don't want him angry or upset, and certainly not disappointed. I hate it when I've let him down, especially since I really do know how much I need him. I can feel the four year-old inside, the one that was huffing and kicking and screaming at work yesterday, right on the surface. I have never had her there.

I was never four. I was never twelve, but these things are coming up right now. I know he wants me to be a grown-up. I feel like a grown-up most of the time. Maybe somehow, he's made it okay to be a four year-old...but it's still distressing that I would do it, repeatedly, despite the fact that he is irritated. (Not ageplay, no babytalk, I'm not like that...just the independent, defiant, careless and carefree, self-obsessed, simplistic mindset of a four year-old. Jesus, what a freak. Get it together, lola!) So, now I have to remember how I ruined this day; I have to remember so that I never do it again.

I want to kick something very, very badly. I fucked up. And after all those chances, all that leeway, all the nice things he said, I fucked up. I can't fix it. He tells me I can't. I know I can't. I hurt his feelings by being cheeky and obstinent and disrespectful. I am sorry. Very sorry. And that doesn't change anything. I wanted to kick something. And I think that the thing I'm looking for is myself.