Collars

Sigh. I know what yall are thinking. I know! Shut up and let me explain myself, though why I have to is beyond me.... Well, not really beyond. I do feel like a total hypocrite in some ways, but in other ways, I sorta wanted this. And here's why:

1. Those of you who have watched me go around and around with J realize that I am looking for something to attach to; I've done this arrangement thing before and part of me really gets that I need to feel attached to feel open.

2. JB asks the right questions; I don't really know why, but he managed not to let shit slip between the cracks, not to shrug it off when I tried to manuever him away from sensitive issues. That's something I wanted.

3. There's no expectation. We both have our own lives and I don't have to think about a realistic future.

4. He doesn't want me to change, to be some lame-o sub that shuts up and does what she's told. And he hasn't limited my experience by asking me to solely speak and play with him. He wants an involvement, recognition, but not to hinder. Play is a huge part of my journey and I still get to have it.

5. Why not? Fuck you. (Okay, maybe I am still a little defensive.)

All in all, I want to give it a shot. All this talk about barriers and shit. I can talk and talk, but if I don't try to really look at them and actively take them down, then I am just standing around helplessly, hoping they don't come crashing down on my head. Yeah, I've been hurt before but I can be resilient.

And as a wise soul has once said to me, "Fuck it...it's only cyber."