Fucking Status Quo

So, for those of you that have, in some way, been following this delightful roller coaster I call my life, an update: Now, before I start, let me premise this with the fact that I am not altogether sure if I am satisfied about where I am. It appears that, having moved through being totally pissed, as I am want to do and as quickly as possible, we are back at the beginning again and faster than ever. Those first hesitant conversations replaced by more direct, lengthy discussions about nothing more than trapping us in a place of togetherness. Is this a good thing? Probably not, because it means we are quickly careening back toward unhappiness, toward being locked in stagnation, unable to move either forward or backward. I won't get into details, but I feel like a bulimic at times, going, "I'm not purging, I'm just sick." Am I sick?

I am in the Bay Area right now, visiting a girlfriend who is planning on leaving shortly for a year abroad. I hate it; I hate the fact that I won't be able to see her when I want to. Granted, in the last year, we've probably physically seen each other like, six times, but I like to know that I can. It's funny how the way you are with one person is the way you are with all people. And it seems like I am a girl of convenience. I want my friends available when it's convenient; I'll make it worth your while in those moments, I promise. So it has fallen upon me that it's an entirely selfish thing to squeeze them into my life, but I guess I have, in return, only really kept the friends that are able to pick up after long absences as if it were yesterday.

I don't know what this is about, but I think it's relevant to my problem here. I think that I need to work on being able to close, to end more permanently. I'm not sure if it's right, but I do know that I have little ability to hold a grudge, maintain sustained anger, or wait out people that don't acknowlege hurting me. Is it really resolution, or am I just numbing out?