Leap Tall Buildings

I suppose little has changed in a day, but I feel compelled to continue to document this moment for myself. Seeing what I don't want has reminded me that I must now draw lines about what I do want. When I play, I never choose. I never pick, I never say I want...just, I don't want. No cuddling, no hugging, kissing or intimacy. The reasons are both transparent and complicated, really though, not integral to this conversation. But ask me what I want and I say, "I want to please; I can play anything, any implement, no limits. What do you want?"

What do I want?...

I want someone enduring. p is right; it's a long journey and I know that it is a ride that, in this case, my case, cannot be started over and over again with different people. The transformation will only come when I can trust. And so I must have someone committed to the length, the pitfalls, the break-throughs and the break-downs. I want someone who can know me, see through the barriers that I build high and thick.

I want someone simple. I want them not to be fucked-up, or at least, be able to put their fucked-up aside for me. I want someone strong, both physically and emotionally. Someone who can hold me down and push me up. Someone I can learn from, who can teach me about feeling--when it is appropriate, how it happens, how to push through, having experienced all elements of feeling. I want someone smart enough to out-talk me and smart enough to shut me up.

I want someone gentle, someone disciplined, someone fearless, someone protective, someone ruthless.

I need someone who is not intimidated by my ability to manipulate, to bullshit. I need someone who is reassuring, who casts no judgments on my needs, wants, desires. I need someone who wants to be pleased, who has clearly defined boundaries, who will remind me, encourage me, punish me if I can not meet them. I need someone who can be superhuman, demand me to meet my potential and persuade me it is in my best interest. I need someone to show me the way, to make me find it on my own, and to celebrate with me when I do. I need someone to make me put down anything beyond my control, anything that isn't mine, and anything I am still holding for the sake of not letting go.

It seems impossible. A tall, tall order. Time will tell.