No Take-Backs

Okay, okay. I'll stop copin' out and write a real entry. An update on that last real entry. I was right; everything has changed. It's funny too, that this should come about now. I'm not a garden troll, you know. The whole summer long, I had been getting praise actually. And lots of it. People telling me how really beautiful I am, how I shouldn't change a thing. It was starting to weird me out actually. I'm used to having one or two enviable parts. I was telling J about the time one of my old bosses (I used to nanny for rich yuppie moms) tricked me into picking her up at the plastic surgeon so she could have my lips photographed. But something happened this summer, and for once in my life I was really feeling pretty, desired.

And then those words came out of his mouth and everything changed. Everything. In a moment. You can't take back something like that. I feel disgusting. Now, when we go out together and he puts his arm on me or he kisses me, I can't help but think of his words. Somewhere in my mind, I remember that he's repulsed by me. And I know that's a strong word, but somehow it's all blown out of proportion in my head. I don't want him faking it anymore; too much of our relationship was faked. I don't want him touching me, kissing me; I'm embarassed now.

I keep trying to balance it in my mind, you know? I think, I could have had two other guys this weekend alone and more than willingly. I could go out tonight and find someone in my car on the way to someplace. I could have women, if I want (who are by far, much pickier). But it doesn't really matter to me. All this time and energy and ridiculously hopeless love was put into B; but it doesn't even matter. We're never going to have a normal sex life. All these hopes I had just sank sank sank until I can't even find the ripples they left. And what now? Together and some weird sort of sexual arrangement? Apart and without big pieces of my heart? I really don't know, not anymore.