You don't EVEN know.

So, every once and awhile two people have internet conversations that aren't about sex or spanking. I know...looking back at my most recent posts, you would find this shocking news. But it does happen. And the following was one of those times (sorry if the context is skewed, I cut out the irrelevant, meandering parts and parts that were personal to the other individual):

I feel close, I think.... But I don't like to feel vulnerable. Is there a difference? It feels like there is.

For fear of being hurt…rejected...abandoned?

I don't know...less fear. More like, I don't know...like I'm, um…. You know when you don't want to put people out, or impose yourself on them? Your needs, your wants.... I don't know, but it's more like that than being afraid of something. I'm not used to feeling like it’s okay to recognize my needs or wants, and I certainly can't ask.

"You leave before you can be left."

Yes, that's the truth. But I understand it. I don't leave, just don't give more than like, 20% of myself. Hell, I don't even know if there is more than 40% real me in there. Do you see yourself as a whole person, independent of others? Their thoughts, wants, desires, wishes... Expectations...

That’s a good question.

Agendas, goals?

There are two schools of thought on that, I think. One says…you can only make yourself happy…you shouldn’t depend on others for it. The other says…we aren’t complete without that 'special' someone and their love.

I fall outside of both of those schools. What happens when you see yourself as a reflection of everyone else and what they want...how can you make yourself happy independently and how can you find someone who wants you as you are, when you are a reflection and nothing substantial on your own?

That’s bullshit about being nothing substantial on your own.

That's what you think.

You have SO much going for you...it’s what I know.

Yes, to you and then to p and to my boss and to my mother and to my fucking apartment manger...but they aren't the same thing, the same person. They are all what other people want from me. And when I am alone I am so tired. And that's it.

How so? From what?

Yes, nothing...just tired...it's exhausting being the right girl for the right person.... And then around more than one at once.... I feel like I am constantly in flux.

You can’t fake your intelligence or your sense of humor.

But I can dumb it down or play it up, use it or not use it...I was born with the tools to do all this. If I were an idiot, it might be easier. More limitations on what I could or couldn't be. But they get used differently all the time. Does everyone like you?

Hell no and I don’t like everyone.

See, I could make anyone like me...really like me...because I know how to be what they want and it's hard to have that inside and chose not to use it, since it's typically easier and less confrontational....

I think you're being too hard about yourself…. We all have a desire to be liked.

Then I will do it or I will entirely NOT do it, depending on my level of energy or anger or boredom...and so people either love me or hate me, for no reason other than I was being cooperative or not. No happy mediums...or they think I am crazy.... Because I make them love me and hate me alternately. But without the other person, I don't know where I stand.... Does that make sense? I don't expect anything because then you have to be disappointed.

You hate the feeling of rejection so you try to be what they want, so they will accept you.

Not just accept me...I am even at peace with being unacceptable. I need to know where I stand, for security, to get lost again. My friends’ biggest complaint is that I am unavailable. Literally, not emotionally. But I have comfort in that...if they expect nothing, they can't be disappointed. And then when I see them, I am what they want me to be so that I can maintain the bond. When you have found the perfect person, it doesn't matter if you don't see them very often, cause they will always be what you want from them. So it's this cycle of being their person, finding it exhausting, disappearing for months, then starting it over again with more guilt than before. Yeah, but it's really more automatic...I can't choose "me" cause I don't know what that is…I just slip into their "me."

Easy to say…but you have to make a conscious effort NOT to do that. React how you want to react, do what you want to do.

No, I never think take it or not...I will work hard to make them happy enough that I can disappear again. p and I were talking about the kink and I was beginning to think that I am drawn to the aspects of it that I am both for their automatism and the way they force you to think basically, black and white, what you want and what you don't. Does that make sense?

To relieve you of the stress of doing so yourself, yes.

Yes, to put me in a mindset to think less and act more.... Maybe I am hoping the real part will surface or something.

So, what have I learned here? First and foremost, gotta remeber to open up every once and awhile and trust someone...they might surprise you. Secondly, what n says is right: it's not a journey into spanking. The journey is a free existing entity, the spanking is a part of me and I am on the journey. I am actively pursuing the next footfall and I don't want to go it at alone, despite what I tell myself. Sigh. Thanks j...thanks a lot.