"Pears can just fuck right off."

I may have mentioned that I am a total stand-up fan boy. Eddie Izzard is easily in my top three all time comedians. Well, maybe even straight #1. Thought I would enclose some bits for yall. Sort of a move out of the gratuitous sluttiness, of late:

"There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?"

"The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…. Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)."

[On puberty and lacking the verbal ability to chat up girls]
“But no, at 13 you're just going 'Ello Sue. I've got legs. Do you like...bread? I've got French loaf.' *whap* 'Byeee! _{I love you!}'"

"My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!"

[On British people in American movies]
“But we play bad guys, like take uh, The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star - just full of British actors opening doors and going:
'Oh, I'm...oh...oh.'
'What is it Lieutenant Sebastian?'
'It's just the rebels, sir. They're here.'
'My god man! Do they want tea?'
'No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is but they've brought a flag.'
'Damn! That's dash cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader'
[breath] 'Uh...hello.'
Because he was only impressive because he had that James Earl Jones voice: [deep voice] 'I'm...I am Vader.' [breath] 'The force is strong with you.'
If he had a much more: [high wimpy voice] 'Ello! Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention alright? Luke, Luke the force is strong with you.'
'Is it?'
'Yeah.'
'Well who told you that?'
'Uh, s-some bloke. Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you.'
'Well how strong?'
'Uh, as strong as a small pony.'
'Oh, that's quite strong, that is.'”

"And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"..."

[On the Church of England]
Tea and cake or death!
Students would be, “Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!”
Ca – you know, cause, “Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Everybody – anyone could answer that.
Cake or death?
Uhh, cake please.
Very well! Give him cake!
Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.
You! Cake or death?
Uh, cake for me, too, please.
Very well! Give him cake, too! We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?
Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry…
You said death first, ah ha, ah ha, death first!
Well, I meant cake!
Oh, all right. You’re lucky I’m Church of England! Cake or death?
Uh, cake please.
Well, we’re out of cake! Well, we only had three bits and we didn’t expect such a rush. So what do you want?
Well, so my choice is 'or death'? Well, have the chicken then, please.
Taste of humans, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much. Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
Uhh, I asked for the vegetarian.
Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes, there we go, Mr. Hitler, there we go. Would you like a little wine, there we go...you Nazi shit-head."

"Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them"