Sexy Letters from the Bard

Okay, so JB wrote me this email asking where I was in like, six different styles. Not to be one-upped, I composed the following Shakespearean monstrousity. It amused me. When he read it, he was able to pick out the spanko parts easily, of course. But I snuck in many an insult...grin. If you want to look up any individual word yourself, click this:

My dear Sir,

Oh, good and gentle bawcock, where art thou this day? Hast thou been alarum'd? I have so wantonly wished for thou to amerce and berattle me as thou list, as our meetings have been of beggarly account. I wish to bite thee by the ear if thou not think me a callet or flirt-gill, as we have but changed eyes.

But, alas...ye are a clodpole and cozen, and my crochets are unobliged hence. Fie! Dismount thy tuck and the dallying shall ensue.... Pray thine is not enchafed, not filled with spleen, lest ye set to vailing my drawers and I feel thy fable fadge.

Come hence, my fustian floweret as it were gross and scope that I have been gulled. I hest it so, hie, ye Jack!! Come be jointress, incarnadine my nether region with your hardiment, Sir. I am loathe to remain masterless. O proper stuff!

Your naughty deeds leave you on the hip and I shall nay but pout'st upon. Prithee, anon and end my puling, for I am rheumy and seek to set cock-a-hoop. Have you grown wary the sweet friends, the suit? My weak supposal grows, ye whoreson varlet. Weraday increases my worser genius. Love me not?

I know this sounds skimble-skamble stuff and by now thy must have sow'd a grizzle on thy case, but rest you merry, Sir.

In LA English, as JB loves to point out my Valley Talk:

My dear Sir,

What's up, bitches? Where you at? You got something else going on? I've been thinking about you spanking my ass, like you like, since we haven't been able to see much of each other lately. I wanna jump ya but you'll think I'm a slut, but I do luv ya.

But, you're being an idiot and a skank, and blowing me off. Damn! Bust out your piece and let's get making with the grabby-grabby.... Hope you're not pissed, as then you might consider ripping off my panties and blistering my poor bottom.

Come on, you big stud horse--you liar, you are totally standing me up!! I insist you show up, you jerk-off! Get off your ass and turn mine red with your wicked smackin, Sir. I hate being abandoned. Sucks!

I'm pissed and you'll pay for it. Come on! Hurry and shut me up, cause I am all wet and want to have fun. Are you tired of me already? I'm starting to think so, you worthless oaf. I'm getting brattier by the minute. Don't you love me anymore?

I know this sounds like jibberish and that you have grown a beard trying to decipher it, but cheers!!

I really need to be more productive with my free time. Damn, this is getting ridiculous. I promise, more, um...serious posts to follow.