Cheshire Conversation

I had a conversation with MrH a while back; he isn't mine so it only happened that one time. We chatted while I consciously reinforced walls. He wanted to 'peel me like an onion'. Innocuous enough? Mm. Wide smiles from the darkened branches. Mystery, mystery. We discussed how I treat people. I explained to him how I push and push, sometimes going too far in the interest of defining my place.

MrH: It's a mean streak.
lola: It's not that bad.
MrH: Yes, it is.
lola: Is it?
MrH: Yup.
lola: Why do I do it?

The theory is that it's power play. I am looking for a worthy opponent who will put me in my place...when they can't, two things happen:

1. A little bratty part of me gets pissed that the person isn't worthy and goes for the throat.
2. Another part guilts out after I do.

MrH: Actually, it is a big deal.

I did the wrong thing last night. I came home late from work, wanting to spend time with B. I wanted to give him the energy he deserves. So, I went for drinks after work and then drove home, sending him suggestive text messages. His response: Huh?

Dejected, and I am not even home yet. So, I parked and came upstairs. He was on the computer when I entered; I got barely a nod. I sat on the couch and lay down. I asked him if he wanted to have dinner. He said he had just finished food. I asked him if he wanted to get a movie and watch together. It did not happen. I closed my eyes and thought about sleep as he continued to play.

I understand wanting time to play on the computer...believe me, I do. But he had had the day off, woken up at 11:30 and had been playing since. I was nearly asleep.

My phone rang. It was JB.

I talked to him for about an hour and then chatted longer on IRC. Eventually, B wanted the computer back so I let him have it, realizing...and here's the fucked up part...that B was antsy. Lately, he's been less and less okay with the situation. I know this. I wish there were a good third alternative. I finished watching a movie and JB calls again.

I pick up. I shouldn't; it's late. But I want something...connection maybe? I want someone to mm, want me? And not because...

I remember to pay the bills or
Of a sense of commitment based on common history or
I am the best thing so far or
I have always been every woman who's loved him and hurt him or
Of obligation.

I want to be seen as something thrilling, fascinating, worthy, irreplaceable, undeniable. Have I set myself up for a hard crash into reality? Am I truly not worth that, as I have always feared? Am I dreaming too big? Will I ever believe nice things said about me as easily as I believe the criticisms? Will I be able to listen to the words You're beautiful without having my body shake impatiently, twitch, instantly deny the words access to my brain?

I don’t blame B. How could I ever? I have done this to myself. I spent the entire night on the phone with JB, allowing myself to believe for one second that someone found me thrilling, fascinating, worthy, irreplaceable, undeniable. At 11:30 this morning, when B walked out into the room, he found me there, still on the phone with JB.

Without a word, he went to the sauna.

I followed him shortly after, knowing how much he was hurting, knowing it was my fault. I have a mean streak. I push and push, wanting someone to push back, to think I am valuable enough to change their life for me. Instead, I have pushed B away. He isn’t talking to me; he doesn’t want to talk about our relationship. He’s gone out to think. He says he will be back.

But for how long? And in what way? I am hurting him but I can’t stop. I want to stop, but I want to feel these…I want to feel these…I want to feel. And I only know one way now.