Saturday, September 17, 2005

How to pay?

I want to pay; I am craving punishment. I am not sure I deserve it. In fact, that's not true. I do deserve it; I am less sure that I deserve the forgiveness that comes with punishment.

I have considered asking B to punish me. Not in a physical way, but to think about how I can do penance for what I have done to him. But that would be awkward. He doesn't think that way. He would prefer to deal on his own, secretly stew, and let things pass.


But I am on the edge right now. I need a beating; something long and intentional, wickedly painful, lasting. I want to see my skin pay for my actions. And I can only think of one way. I am afraid to ask Sir for this. I worry that B will not see it as punishment, but a reward...spending more time with JB to make up for hurting B? So, with no other options, I am considering taking this upon myself.

But I have promised to speak with JB about this particular recourse before ever pursuing it. So, I am going to try him soon. I am so tired. It's refreshing. Keeps me focused. I am focused.

I am focused.

4 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Lola, are those contacts? Your eyes CANNOT be that blue.

Are they?

If they are......oh man.....I feel weak.....funny/hot weak.....oh baby.

:)

9:14 PM  
Blogger macaroon said...

No no...grins. I messed with the color saturation because I still like to maintain my anonymity to a certain extent.

Teaching and pornographic stories do not go hand-in-hand, it would seem. The public generally frowns on knowing that the woman teaching their seventh grader writes about 'soaking-wet cunts' and forced anal-sex.

Damn fundamentalists! Grr.

2:12 PM  
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