A Note from Anonymous

Just a break for all of you.

I have this ridiculous neighbor who keeps harassing me about leaving my trash in the hallway for a few hours before taking it down to the dumpster. I have my reasons for doing this, and more importantly, everyone in the building does it as well. For some reason though, he has anonymously targeted me and a couple others for his campaign of insanity. The most recent note, which B ripped up in a blind rage, said something like:

Dear Trash in the Hall Lover...why do you insist on leaving your trash in the hall? Do you really get off on this? What is your desire in this? Just to be defiant? Trash leads to roaches and I don't want to live in the ghetto. We don't appreciate this at all, so you need to throw it in the dumpster. Trash belongs in your house or the dumpster...blah blah blah. Your response is appreciated.

Side note: This summary is actually written much better than the grubby chicken-scratches and seriously typo-ed monstrosity that was taped to my door. Also, he never puts down his name or apartment number. We have our speculations though. Glare.

This was one note in a long line of notes and I was sick of having to tape threatening messages to my trash since he had taken to hacking it open and spreading it across the hallway. The following was my response:

1. You seem to be the only one to get off on this as only you are consistently writing anonymous notes proving that:
1. No one else complains.
2. You are too cowardly to approach ALL the individuals who leave their trash in the hall for a few hours.
2. You are now vandalizing our trash which creates a larger roach problem than a CLOSED trash bag; ripping our bags open is childish and petty.
3. How long do you stand in the hall looking at my trash? What is your "desire in this"?
4. We don’t have a roach problem, at least my apartment doesn’t. Maybe you’re projecting—maybe you have a roach problem. If you insist on analyzing my reasons for leaving my trash in the hall until I go out to my car, then I will analyze your reasons for compulsively amplifying this issue:
1. You are a control freak, nitpicking strangers’ habits and leaving threats when your requests are not met promptly.
2. You remain anonymous yet expect a response: This must indicate you fear confrontation, are passive-aggressive, and would probably poison my pets if given an opportunity.
3. Your grammar and spelling indicate that you react impulsively (or that you are ignorant): There lies a whole list of Freudian conclusions.
4. You keep referring to some "we" as if there were a collective that thinks as you do: You are not royalty, and unless there are a bunch of people in your head, I think you should start identifying yourself singularly.
5. In conclusion, go file a formal complaint like a man or mind your own business; I pay good money to live here, and not in the "ghetto," so that I won’t have to deal with idiot neighbors like yourself. I hope that you are feeling like you’ve gotten the attention you were so desperately seeking, because I’m now done with this whole thing.

PS. By the way, none of your neighbors agree with you. They find your simpering messages inane. Go ask them, I have.

It's all I can do to keep B from heading over there and smashing this guy in the face and then throwing him from the patio (he is particularly miffed since he has most often had to clean up the trash messes...plus, he hates the long, jaunty braid and the infernally tie-dyed everything that this clown wears). I see his fists curl every time we pass the idiot, and have talked him down to doing something passive-aggressive (like breaking off a toothpick in this guy's lock) the next time it happens.

I do not want to spend tattoo-money on covering bail for an assault warrant. Fingers crossed. Hee hee.