Big Dog's 100

Here's JB's 100 List. He only agreed to do this with me if I was his secretary and typed everything up for him. But the good part is that I have the list. Now, you too, can know what I know (basically that he's quite a smart ass):

1. No part of me has ever been pierced.
2. Wham, bam, I am a man.
3. I say Emm a lot.
4. I am extremely paranoid…no, I didn’t say that, carry on.
5. On faith, I hate being one of those numbnuts who says they’re undecided.
6. My left ear is known throughout the greater Los Angeles area.
7. My toes, while enjoying notoriety as well, have always been jealous of my ear.
8. My family is strangely controlled for people who drink so much.
9. I used to be fond of air humping.
10. I wear a lot of black, but I am not a depressed teenager.
11. My favorite place in the world is my living room at 2:30AM.
12. I normally play forward or number eight in rugby.
13. The most disgusting thing I have ever seen was the saw-dust covered stubs on my friend’s hand after his band saw accident.
14. I generally have no objections to my face, but my nose could be a bit smaller.
15. When I was a toddler, I was known to rock out to Deep Purple in my tighty-whiteys.
16. If I could meet one famous person, dead or alive, it would be John Peal because I kind of always meant to get into him, but I never did…enough.
17. Although I invented the ‘Deadwood shower,’ I don’t brag about it much (lola gets honorable mention though).
18. My favorite food is Chinese…not that real Chinese mind you, but the bastardized British offspring.
19. Freckles.
20. There are two fellas in my head called Bob and John who regularly commentate on the circumstances of my life.
21. I’ve been told that I sigh an inordinate amount.
22. My three favorite things to do are as follows, in no particular order: Listening to music while driving.
23. Playing rugby, but only dicking around.
24. Watching films…no, that’s not true…drinking. No, I shouldn’t say that. I’ll say…(long, long pause)…watching films, yeah.
25. My first pet was a rabbit called Smokey.
26. I think I used to be funnier than I am now.
27. When the boy band Blue came out, I defended them to my friends.
28. I now hate myself for that…very, very much.
29. I find it hard to relax and do nothing before 6PM.
30. I didn’t mind having a tattoo until every fucker and his dog got one.
31. I have deplorable spelling.
32. In school, a good deal of one term was spent making a Stick-Man Kama Sutra handbook.
33. The second term was spent making a Stick-Man Ninja Manual.
34. I have no birthmarks, which I understand makes me an heir to no throne.
35. My special skills include smoking in a stylish manner (which is really useless since I keep quitting anyhow) and that I normally get on well with animals (insert your own sheep-shagger jokes here).
36. I never wear shorts; I never wear sandals to go with them.
37. I’ve never been electrocuted...seriously.
38. I tell people that my favorite breakfast cereal is Corn Flakes.
39. In actuality, my favorite breakfast cereal is Coco-Pops.
40. Apparently, to American ears, I sound like Dick Van Dyke.
41. Apparently, to Irish ears, I sound like Dick Van Dyke.
42. Apparently, to Italian ears, I sound like Dick Van Dyke.
43. Apparently, to my mother, I sound like Dick Van Dyke.
44. I luuuv my robe…especially putting my feet in the sleeves. Classy.
45. I have a perfectionist streak that borders on OCD. (lola: Borders?!?) This can be a problem when playing guitar, since tuning takes four days.
46. Oh! I can play the guitar.
47. I can’t be arsed to think up #47.
48. I like stationary.
49. I’m quite handy with a nail gun.
50. My favorite book is 1984.
51. An Aston Martin DB9 is the only luxury car I have lusted after.
52. My favorite movie is…I’m crap at answering favorite questions.
53. I take my coffee black with two sugars. My secretary sometimes fails to meet my coffee needs.
54. My secretary thinks I am gay…really, really gay.
55. The easiest subject for me in school was History or something.
56. I like to win a lot more than I’d like to admit.
57. I like the seventies in what I try to think of as an “alternative way,” though I know that’s totally lame.
58. So far, I don’t mind wearing suits…but I’ve been told to give it ten years by some reliable people (they were wearing suits).
59. I sung along to acoustic guitars in churches more than I would have ever liked.
60. Why does the word bungalow sound so gay?
61. Why do I reference homosexuality so much?
62. I dress to the left (that was my attempt at a sweet comment).
63. As hypocrites are often given a hard time, I am one, but I hate those bastards.
64. That last one was more than likely genius, although I’d never say it.
65. Pseudo-psych language has had far too much impact on society.
66. My girlfriend walked in on me tonight dining alone…with a lit candle.
67. It wasn’t my idea.
68. Seriously.
69. My politics lie somewhere between tofu-eating, sandal-wearing, beard-growing, hemp-admiring goddamn hippies and skin-headed, knuckle-dragging, sexually-repressed, gun-toting, card-carrying members of the Alabama Woodland Brotherhood Against Government Oppression.
70. I swear too much. I know. Sorry Jesus.
71. I nearly went into law and nearly joined the military.
72. I’m not really into baths, unless someone else involved. This might have something to do with the time I burned my ass on a candle. (I don’t think that this is really my fault since everyone knows open flames and nudity don’t mix.)
73. I do stupid things, but thankfully it always seems to happen in private.
74. No, really, #66 wasn’t my idea.
75. Why do people poke the bear?
76. Diddle.
77. I don’t really have heroes, but intellectually, I admire Peter Ustinov. I’m sure there are others but I can’t think of who they are.
78. My favorite alcoholic beverages are Guinness, Foster’s, and Scotch.
79. All coffee should be Irish coffee.
80. I obsessively fixate on subjects, but manage to space it out over an entire conversation.
81. I know of a toilet with overhead mirrors. It wasn’t a gay bar (I checked…can anyone else tell me why?!?)
82. I hung around with quite a few high-camp homosexuals in my formative years. This is what I attribute all my gay references to.
83. In a strange kind of way, I admire white people with cornrows.
84. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
85. My first stab at employment was farm work.
86. I am right-handed.
87. I don’t sleep at night ever, despite loved ones’ intentions.
88. I worry about the lack of intellectual things on this list…but then, it ain’t that kind of list.
89. I’ve been taught meditation and self-hypnosis, but I very rarely use it.
90. I like Dave Grohl, but then, who doesn’t?
91. I feel strongly that more people should wear hats.
92. My hair and nails grow ridiculously fast; I’m hoping the hair isn’t doing a suicidal dash to baldness by forty.
93. I touch wood.
94. My favorite feature on myself is my shoulders (read: enormous donkey dick).
95. I can’t think of a way to make this list less self-obsessed; I’m justifying it by considering it the nature of the me-list.
96. Apparently, the woman from The Black Eyed Peas pissed herself on stage…on purpose. Upon further debate, it was concluded that her presence wasn’t integral enough to the performance to validate this behavior.
97. I don’t like Dance music…you know, the low-production value, midlands club, dodgy DJ, 2AM-type Dance crap.
98. California definitely has its good points.
99. I like beans on toast…which is apparently a culinary travesty, but that I feel has sustained many a student facing long, lean years of repaying student-loans.
100. I once tried to get my friend, Dave, to parasail using my peddle bike, an old rope, and a bed sheet. After Dave rebounded wildly off the curb, I nearly took out a pensioner with a small, furry dog. Dave was thankfully stopped by the low-rise wall of a bungalow. As I looked over my shoulder, watching Dave with his recently-acquired head wound, wandering around the street like something out of Apocalypse Now!, my beloved bike, a delightful shade of jet black (surprisingly), plowed into the side of Dave’s dad’s brand new company car. I went over the handle bars and flew across the top of the car (like Starsky or Hutch with an inner-ear deficiency), scraping through a particularly thorny bush. I felt mistaken relief as I saw the lawn approaching alarmingly fast, only to end up slamming head-first into one of the concrete stepping stones.