Please know this.

I am going to be very honest. Honesty is not my friend. Honesty is my mortal enemy because honesty means conflict. I wish with all my heart that I lived in a fucking perfect world, a world where love was one man stamped with my name, right on his forehead so that I couldn't miss it. But I don't live in that world.

I don't live in any world of black and white, love and hate, clear and unclear. All I know is that I have a very intangible choice to make, and only fucking little bubbles to fill in.

I'm going away this weekend. I am going to be gone and B is going to be alone, with his thoughts. He always thinks: if I can't have her solely, then I can't have her at all. But all that other stuff, the grays in between, he doesn't see them. At all. I know him so well, which is why he hates me right now--forever, in his estimation. He thinks that I know him, I know him and and still choose to hurt him; because if I do that, I must hate him, I must love someone else more. And maybe I do. Maybe for once in my life, I do love someone else more. But not who he thinks.

Maybe this time, I love me.

It's fucking selfish and I know it. So I am choosing to hurt him. But how fucking often in my life have I chosen me? I've always chosen someone else. Always. And now, I will lose everything because of it. B will go because its what he knows how to do, its how he knows how to think, and my heart will break. And everytime I think of me first in the future, I will know how much it hurt him. He thinks that I don't care that I am hurting him. He doesn't want to know how hard it has been to do this. I needed this. I craved it from when I can remember. And I had a chance to try it. Trying it meant hurting someone I love more than life itself. Like in life, there were no grays for me.

And JB will go back to his own life, because he is a practical man. He knows the limitations of this relationship and he will, in the end that is very close, choose to be reasonable. He has already chosen to be reasonable. I spent the evening on the phone with him, destroying the last thread of my relationship with B, because I wanted one more night of choosing me.

I knew it was a mistake. I knew forever that it would be a mistake. They tell you that you live for yourself, but when you do, well. This. All this. I watched him walk away this morning, hating me. It's easier for him that way. I chose him this morning. I let him walk, let it be easier.

It's not true, you know. You don't always see it coming. But I should have.

I love you, B. I know it makes no difference to you. It has always been true from the depths of my heart, with all of my soul. I have known you; I have been you. My heart is yours, my breath is yours. I know you will hate me more for saying this, but if its the only chance I get, I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasn't always what you wanted and needed. I am so very sorry that this will be something that you look back on with sadness, with anger, after all those moments that you made me laugh, made my heart light. You were my first. You changed the way my world moved. I love you and my heart is broken. Crumpled.

Please know that whatever has happened, I love you, B. You are etched on my soul. I don't want this end.