You like Mitch. Mitch like you.

I have at various points mentioned my comic fan-boyishness. Here's another funny man I loved: Mitch Hedberg. He passed away in last March and I was devastated. Somehow, despite my heavily (heavily...you should see some of the email propaganda I get) Catholic family, I managed to be more heartbroken by the deaths of Mitch and Jerry Orbach than The Pope, himself. Mitch had one of those smart-ass, stoner-clever views that made you laugh your ass off over the most ridiculously mundane topics. Thought yall might like these bits...

"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said: Please Try Again. Apparently I was in a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top. ""

"I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he's always on time."

"They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that: "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!""

"I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done...who knows?"

"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "Damn, that fucker eats cake; he's on bundt cake." Mothers telling their daughters, "Don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?""

"I wrote a letter to my dad—I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely...drive steamboats, Dad—there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad.""

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!"

"I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit. I said, "How about some celery? You fuckers don't farm, besides, if I ripped your legs off, you would look like snowmen.""

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut—I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file...under 'D'…for doughnut.""

"Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so fuckin' far away from me. We should ship some of them over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head."

"I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music...so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.""