Norm Beat Denny

OMG.

That's right. Chat speak. It seemed appropriate. I had QUITE the evening, babies.

I went to Denny's with B a couple of hours ago. It was a new Denny's for me...he had been to this one in the past with a work friend. I was like, "Jesus, I didn't know we had a Denny's this close. Why have we been going to Norm's?"

"Because it's Denny's." Yes, fair enough.

So, we walked in and I was trying to tell him that he should get me an iced tea as I was planning on hazarding a trip to the loo. The hostess was behind the register with her ugly friend. Well, they were both ugly, but in the whole scheme of things, our waitress will heretofore be referred to as "Ugly Friend." In any case, the hostess slaps on her most jovial of grins (people in their early twenties shouldn't look jovial...jovial is for Santa...it's just not right) and asks, "How many?"

I looked around. No one there but us.

"Two," we both said. She started laughing, "Looks like four to me."

Really? It does? Can you count? I mean two's not one, but it sure as shit ain't one of them tricky numbers like four. Calmblueocean clamblueocean. We assure her that there are, in fact, only two of us. At this point Ugly Friend leaned over to us, gaffawing like a fat Cabbage Patch Kid, and whispers, "Sheee's beeeen driiiink-ing."

Dear Lord. Danger, danger! Abort! (Maybe here I should mention that Ugly Friend has to slow down and explain to our hostess that you can tell the Spanish menus from the English menus because, if you look at the words, THEY'RE IN SPANISH! Yeeee-ah.) Calmblueocean clamblueocean.

But we didn't...we chanced it; we were starving. I'd just sat through two and a half hours of LA traffic to go the twelve miles from my work to home. I needed food. Even Denny's food.

We got seated, and as you'd expect, it took literally twenty minutes to get my damn iced tea (which is in this fucking bigass metal container that I can see...right there), but whatever. I'm mellow. Calmblueocean clamblueocean. Caught up on the gossip at B's work. It's been pretty crazy and there was lots to tell.

I may not have mentioned this before, but B goes through periods of insane ADD. Not to mention, he's got one of those personalities where he has to know what's going on all around him at all times. So, no matter what I'm saying, I know half his attention is on the environment. I've accepted that; so it came as no surprise when this horrified look crossed his face and he started shaking his head, "You just don't say that to people!"

I was like, "What? What's been said?"

He shushed me and assured me he'll tell me later. Calmblueocean clamblueocean. I let it go and started commenting on the weird, new-age family next to us. Dad, Mom, four children--three of which looked like they were far too familiar with serial arson and probably kept lists of the people at school that called them mean names or looked at them funny-like. I'm not very discreet, by the way. I tried to do the whole "face frame" so they couldn't see my lips, but it doesn't work when you're still shouting your judgements across the table. In fact, it acted very much like a megaphone. So there you go. I'm sure I'm on the list now. Calmblueocean clamblueocean.

So the other family behind us leaves and B informs me that I had missed a delightful conversation in which Ugly Friend, admiring the couple's baby told them, "What a beautiful child. I almost had one once--until I lost it."

WTF?!? (I know. More chat speak.) What the hell was that?!? Come on Denny's! In the training manual do you like, instruct your workers to serve their depressing life baggage on the side?: "Yeah, that reminds me of the time when the life in my womb was instantly snuffed out. Enjoy your onion rings!" Or, "I have colon cancer and you have the All American Slam! Eat up!"

Jesus. I mean, Jesus.

I'm going back to Norm's.

PS. Did I mention that I had taken a bit of a Denny's hiatus after I tried to go to one, but it was closed because someone died at the restaurant mere hours earlier...of food poisoning...and his body was yet to be removed? Calmblueocean clamblueocean. I really never learn.