Not Another Jesus Movie

"You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?"

--Dante Hicks

And so abreviates the plot to one of the GREATEST MOVIES EVER MADE. If you haven't seen Clerks, you are one dismally ill-informed individual and I am making it my personal mission to change your life.

So here are your main, and most important, characters:

Randal Graves and Dante Hicks

Dante: Hey, whatcha rent? [reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante: "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante: And you rented this?
Randal: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.


Randal Graves is the smartass video store clerk who works next door to Dante's Stop-N-Go convenience store. His attitude can be summed up in the following movie tagline: Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you. Let me illustrate.

Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her]
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you! [leaves]
Randal: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Then, magically, there's also Jay and his "hetero lifemate" (as we later find out when the series continues in Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back...but I'll leave those for subsequent posts), Silent Bob, two degenerate drug dealers who sell their wares outside the convenience store.

Jay and Silent Bob

Jay: Yeah, Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute has hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys and make like a circus seal. [Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks]
Jay: Ewww, you fucking faggot, I HATE guys. I LOVE WOMEN!

Last big quote, I promise. This is one of those movies that you have to just sort of feel the mood of; if these quotes amused you in any manner, you should really consider renting it. In anycase, click to continue this epic quote, both hilarious and insightful in nature.

Dante: My friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels...

Director Kevin Smith (who also plays the character Silent Bob) starts a sound career with this witty, pants-wetting comedy about the overlooked and underpaid video jockeys, convenience store monkeys, and other servants of our daily impedimenta. Live it, love it. And so, my fellow cinematians, I leave you with sage advice from Dante to his girlfriend, Veronica:

"Try not to suck any dick on the way out of the parking lot!"