I Won't

I thought of something that I can do. Something nice. But I am in a wicked mood. A pushing mood. I can feel it.

He doesn't know yet. He doesn't know how I intend not to follow this nice thing through. You see, he knows that I am intelligent. He knows that I will have done whatever I have done with forethought. But I am in a disobedient mood.

He thinks that he has all the control. Yes, I know that he does...but I can live without rewards for a few days, a week or so. I will behave when I want them back.

For now, though.

Here it is. The only thing that I won't be able to handle is the disappointment. He will be fucked off at me and disappointed; he will assume that I don't want to be a good girl, that I don't want to please him. I do. I do want to please him.

But.

There's this other little part of me that asks, "What if?"

What if I don't do it? What if I say no? When I want my priviledges back, how easily will I get them? How much do I get to make the rules, to play the game? If everything that I do is so transparent, how much will he see? How much will he put up with? Before punishment? Before he gives up entirely? Before he writes me off as the bad girl? How much is it worth his time?

The good girl, he loves...would he have the same patience with the bad girl?

She's hiding now, but not well. He says, "You will."

She whispers in my ear, "You won't. Why does he get to say you will, lola? Why does he get to create all the rules? You're a smart girl...maybe smarter than he thinks. You could have him wrapped around your finger. Do you want that?"

I don't want that. But if I think I can, I just might take it anyway. I want the easiest. I want the best. I don't want to work for it; I want him to give it to me.

It's all I can hear now: "I won't."