Examining Title-Dictated Exchange

Or: "Fuck my slut head or I'll fuck it myself."

When we gallies are struggling with our kink, it seems, oddly, that we first move to an analytic space. And sometimes I think this is not honest; how can you rationalize and standarize the process? How can you track normal in a spectrum of deviance? But for us, it's easier to start from an objective space, removed; our feelings have been known to betray us. It is our minds, our thoughts, that have remained reliably steadfast and predictably consistent. Our minds have protected us from vunerability, have fought to keep us balanced, in control. And so we digest this way. See?:

x: He always seems to wait until I have to crash and burn to rescue, to find the cues and cures to come in. I need him to see my distress signals as I'm on the way down, before I actually resort to crashing and burning. It shouldn't be so stormy, so polarized. Heaven or Hell. It should be...catching me on the way down.

lola: This I feel in tune with. I am trying to get my thoughts together on this stuff too. I feel like I blog muddled because I am still so muddled about it.

x: There is either overkill of punishment WHEN I've crashed and burned myself....or nothing, almost an equal jocularity...that exists when I've not crashed or burned.

lola: Yes, there is too much that you have to do on your own. Or that you have to sort on your own.

x: Yes. And I can stand on my own in real life. I am capable. I am not asking to be rescued or kept. I don't need that.

lola: I know what you mean. Another intangible. And I can’t just say, “Be in my head.”

x: But...there is a degree of "with me-ness" that I need that interweaves thru the life, the real life, apart from the kink AND within the kink. I want more than play. I need something above the coyness. I need...constancy. It is why I resort to blatant attention getting or pushing his buttons.

lola: I know that feeling too much.

x: Do you? It is a pathetic little girl moment that I set my own house on fire for him to see that I need him.

lola: I think that's what's made me so itchy lately. Fuck! YES! I'm doing that too and it sickens me!

x: Then you do understand where I am.

lola: Yes, and it feels terrible. I hate stooping; but I hate needing it more. So fucking conflicted. Anyway, this is what I mean. I can't figure out a way around it.

x: It is also why....nothing holds. I have no sure platform under my feet. The safety I feel (post punishment or post lots of attention) is tangible only in moments...and so I drink it in, trying to stay with him for hours, being a time sink...b/c once the session is over, it fades. Then the next day, I am on the scale again, measuring the days to feel "filled" again.

lola: And I don't trust him to do it for me.

x: One thing that [Name Removed] does do for [Name Removed] that I envy is that He never leaves her. He leaves her with a sureness of him (which she still questions). But that is a direct result of being able to see each other every two weeks. Is this you too?

lola: Yes, but…weak-ass attempts at punishment mean so little to me, because they're not consistent and, in all honesty, I can easily get around them. I keep pushing farther and I think that it disappoints him that I push at all. And I hate being a disappointment. But I don't get that thing I need; though I am basically denying it to myself.

x: X said something the other day...that I do understand but it is an unresolved thing with me. That in the synergy...one of us has to crack. He cannot lead without my consent to be led. My issue is that I can't submit to be led until HE shows me that he is worthy, more, topworthy. I've heard it said that the submissive...by cracking...unleashes the possibility to be Dominated. But the first action must be the sub. I have talked about this with Him.

lola: I see. I have been thinking about that a lot too.

x: So...the end result is that I can't ask, I can't submit and I can't break...so perhaps the onus is on Him to do it. By whatever means. That is a large burden to place on another.

Wait, there's more. This was just a piece of that pie I am studying at the moment....