Now.

Now.

It's the scariest word in the whole world to me. Now.

Now means there is no discussion. Whatever I was going to say; any excuses or promises or begging is gone. When I hear Now, I am helpless. Now is the end of my chances.

My name. Now. It's terrifying. He's had to refocus me. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't fast enough, compliant enough. He thinks I'm not listening, he thinks I am being a bad girl. Lola. Now. I'm in trouble.

NOW. The worst. It is a hair, a grain of sand, a breath away from being done for me, done to me. NOW means whatever was going to happen is going to happen with anger, with fury, is going to be exacting and punishing, carved into my memory so that NOW won't be necessary a second time. I hate NOW. It makes my bones crawl.

I cannot breathe in Now. I cannot think in Now. I am automatic and I pray that I am obedient. Good girls don't need Now.

But I do. Now.