On Voluntary Submissives

I have had many a conversation with submissive friends of mine, acquaintances, garrulous strangers, and I have gathered, over the course of this little journey of mine, that being a submissive goes one of two ways.

The first one is a natural submissive, easily transitioning into the bootlicking, prostrated servant of Master, unreservedly opening one's body, mind, and soul to the access of one's superior and owner. The second is what I will refer to as a voluntary submissive, only in that submission is something one would have to struggle with, reaffirming and forcing, no less desired than that of a natural submissive, but a dance of resistance and acceptance.

The natural submissive does not openly question, accepts directives with grace, trust, obedience; a natural submissive says Sir or Master without a flinch, without a caught breath, without even a hint of inner-conflict, to all her superiors, earned or not. A natural submissive has nothing to swallow, because it wouldn't occur to her to challenge the simple nature of relationship.

The voluntary submissive wants to submit, but recognizes an internal need for discretion. To the voluntary submissive, you must first earn the title of Sir or Master, and then still, she may have to force it from her tongue in weaker moments of conflict. She will expect continuity, consistency, perfection to reinforce the relationship; the fallibility, the humanity of her Master is in the back of her mind. Trust comes more slowly, but in turn, loyalty is fierce. She will say "No."; she will say "Why?". She will have to be coaxed and she will have to be forced.

I had two conversations today that seem relevant to my little dissertation:

lola: I, too, am questioning the nature of my submission and how it is affected by how I view the relationship.

p: If things are great....then you are more submissive? But if they aren't, you are less so?

lola: No, more like... If I can see him as mostly infallible and just and even subjective, then I can accept an imbalance in power. I know that that isn't reality, but I can't just say “Yes, because you say it is so.” And if I am in a moment of seeing any hypocrisy or limitations on his part, I fight it very hard. I always want the submission, but I want it to have been earned. I think I am too worthy of a simple title-dictated exchange. And I worry that it makes me a shitty sub.

lola: Mm, but not all men. And still, you want the right man. [Name Removed] does nothing for me. You met him?

l: He is an asshole. Sorry, but, “Get me a beer?” Yeah, if you want it to come sailing out of the kitchen and hit you in the fucking head. Who am I, Edith Bunker? No, sorry.

lola: Yep, but I loved to play with him. I find him so simple and he's so infuriated with me that he wants to spank me more than he wants to fuck me…and so there he is, FUCKED by me.

l laughsssssss.

lola: He wanted to collar me. In fact, he informed me we were collaring. I told him he couldn't handle me (and I think he really hated me).

l: I bet more’n half of ‘em want to collar you, lola, but are scared to death. That's okay, wait for one who is worthy.

lola: But he HAD to collar me to control me. I love when I realize how superior I am to them. And I ran through them because I WAS superior to them. I'm a spanko at heart, sure, but I love the D/s push and pull, and I really want to feel like my Dom has earned me.

l: *nods at lola* It is hard for strong, smart women to submit! We can’t do it for just anybody! They must be worthy!


Submission is a struggle for me. I want it, badly, but it isn't easy. I hate conflict more than anything else in the world, but I push myself into it. He says, "Do this. Do it because I say so. You answer to me." And when it's something that I want to do, I tremble with an impulsive resistance, but I acquiesce shortly. But when it's something I loathe doing, and he says, "Do it because I say so. You don't need another reason." I refuse. Inwardly, outwardly. I cry, I whine, I beg, I plead, tantrum, threaten, abuse, I grovel, I dig my heels in hard and fast. Anything to NOT do it.

Submit, lola. He is asking for...no, demanding that I submit. Prove your submission, prove that you will lower yourself.

I will lower myself, if forced, but the true nature of the submissive, to lower yourself willingly, to open your body, mind, and soul without being asked. It is so beautifully simple, and I want it so much--to be owned, possessed, unified in balance and belonging, so why do I fight it?

I want an opponent and I want him to be worthy; and I want him to be enduring. I want him to say no and mean it, every single time. I want someone pushing back, not away. I want lines drawn around, not between. I want to be the most valued of his possessions, used and celebrated, treasured and cared for; I want to bring him pleasure, obedience, and pride. I want him to know that I have been the best for him because it pleases me to please him. And I want to stop thinking I have to push to know that is true.

I am being horrible. And sadly, I know it. I have to stop telling myself to be good, and actually be good. No more stirring up trouble for him; no more direct refusals. I tried to make amends today with someone in that respect, so we'll see how that goes. It took me a helluva lot of pride-swallowing. But I did it. There's this one other thing I have to do. More pride-swallowing. My logical mind understands these tests.

When I say no, I think I've won. If I can get him to drop something, I think I've won. But you see, he remembers this. He shelves it somewhere in a pile of my failures and disobedience. He is worthy and I am denying him; it is wrong. I know. And I feel sick later. Why couldn't I just say, "Yes, Sir."? Why couldn't I know, in that moment, that he does care about me, and I do trust him, and he has asked me for submission, and I want to give it to him? Why can't I do it? Why won't I do it?

Why do I still want to be forced? I hate the disappointment; I want the punishment. I want him to know that, and give me neither. p suggested that doing things to fuck with him, as I have an occasion to do, in order to get a particular result, could be considered topping from the bottom. And I hated that idea. I said: I don't want a result, I want him to think.

But it's true. I am topping from the bottom. It's manipulative and it's disgraceful, and I have to stop. I feel like a little kid smashing all the champagne glasses from the China hutch and screaming, "Look at me. Look at me." And it's not a matter of attention; it's for the reassurance that he is enduring and that our particular relationship is enduring. I want him; I want my Dominant. I want balance and stability and security.

I want to be a good girl.