"You antsy, baby?"
I want a line in the sand. I want No. I want punishment. I want reassurance. I don't want to be headfucked; I hate the game.
Say no. Punish. End it.
I can't end it. I am always a reflection. I wait.
You have to do it. You have to say: "I adore you, lola. I know that you are wickedly clever, and insightful, loyal and most importantly, loving. I am proud of you, of how you reflect on me...mostly. But what you did then? It makes me angry. You are too bright and too perceptive for that to have been unintentional. You are being childish and mean-spirited; you are disobeying me and you are misinterpreting the truth. It is unacceptable. You are better than that. I expect more than that."
And punishment. I hate punishment, but in an odd way, it makes me feel (sigh, there is no less-cliche word...I looked) safe. No, I won't explain that here because it's over-explored as it is, but I need it. I do. And not convenient punishment, but something weighed and contemplated, something meant to be memorable, severe but not traumatizing, mildly humiliating, potentially painful, exacting and deliberate. I don't want to play at punishment; I want to fear it. I want correction.
Don't leave me. Don't accept it. Say No. Mean it. Be ready to argue with me, but in the end, meet me and expect. I have given you the power and I recognize that you can wield it as you see fit. I don't know how to say all this without "topping from the bottom" but there has to be a way in which asking for it is NOT "topping from the bottom," right? We decide together what I need, don't we? I can ask, can't I?
I love this relationship because there doesn't have to be headgames. I don't want them anymore. I want honesty and forthright definition. I want to be the submissive, the inferior, the one that concedes. I want you to keep meeting me, keep asserting that agreement because it makes me happy, secure.
Tell me to shut up. Grin.
posted by macaroon at 11:07 AM
2 Comments:
Nopes, I ain't shy @ all. Why don't you drop by the BBU and see whats a cookin', later...
"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." - Anais Nin
It isn't hard to understand that we want leaders, to be led by another stronger than we are. Perhaps I know with the purist clarity where you are and what you wrestle with; I say that without condescension or hubris. With all the D/s eroticplay or fuckery, it is pure punishment that the nature of the power imbalance is most evident.
You said something the other day (and in your prior post) that rang true with me -- your submissiveness is in direct relation to how you view his dominance. I am the last one person alive who should ever give advice, however, perhaps....after all the noise and push/pull, just telling him that makes the most sense?
It took me a long time to truly (read: grudgingly) understand that it was pure discipline/punishment apart from the lovely play sessions that made me free, lighter and yes, feel safe. Odd, that paradox -- why should physical or emotional harm feel safe? Yet, it does. Beautifully. This is perhaps the wierdest paradox that I've wrestled with (along with the feminist leanings of power in the Social Contract).
I finally had to tell Him that stuff you just wrote of directly, feeling a bit foolish at telling someone what I needed -- and that isn't topping from bottom. It was better than hoping that He would be psychic and in tuned with my psyche's exquisite needs. (Who was it that said, "Stupidity is doing the same thing overand over, expecting different results" ?) In the end, perhaps it gives them permission to do what they do, be more vigilant, tune in finer.
There are more ways to be abandoned than physically leaving -- and that is where much of this comes from, I think, in both of us. The sense of constancy, even in the tiny details, the clear boundaries reassures.
I leave you, my lovely friend, with genuine empathy and curiosity to know how you resolve this -- or if this does at all.
Sorry for the rather lengthy reply. I do go on.
poiesia :)
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