Silence is Golden
I apologize for the superficial quality of my blog lately. The shit I am going through right now has become something I have to secret away. I can't talk about it and so long as I don't, nothing happens; I'm frozen and safe. But it's a lie.
And it's changing everything for good, for bad. Making me a different person. Making me deceitful in my numbness. There is always time, until there isn't time anymore. I am trying to forget about the death, as I do. It's like nothing I have felt of death before. It's breaking my heart and I want to hide from it for as long as I can.
The hardest thing to hear. Worse than Him. Worse than Him. It was hardest to hear from HIM, "It's really going to happen, isn't it?"
I am doing this. To HIM. Everything that I feel, I am doing to HIM. Who do I think I am? Fucking heartless and selfish and hateful and disgusting. Abandoning him. Who does that?
These things have always been mine, and it's only fair to keep them that way. I don't wish to be alone, but in all reality, I am alone. I am alone because no one can do it for me. And I would be stupid to expect that they could. And because I don't deserve anything good. And so all I can say is, "I don't know."
I don't know and I don't want to talk about it.
But I want something. Real bad. Give it to me.
posted by macaroon at 7:48 PM
3 Comments:
Ahhhhh, precious lola as some may call you. It seems here that you search for the answers that you know will never come from someone other than yourself, why must you put yourself through such a deep vat of turmoil, because you can and you enjoy it and you will continue to seed until the organic masterpiece you dream of is born...
Incubate.
Does it look like I like drama then? I always seemed to loathe turmoil, in my own estimation. Perhaps it's not true. But what I am doing now, what I am doing in this post, I hope its about shedding the turmoil. I stew in it only out of necessity. Time will tell, though.
And bobbygondo. Thank you. I wonder if I am connecting or just purging here. It's good to know that it's a little of both. :)
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