Waking Nine

From the Darkness and the Light, "My will is power and my power is my will so why do I hesitate?....No more questions, now I WILL break free and be, what is to be..."

Okay, I've been avoiding this update for awhile. Mostly because I have been scared shitless to say this is what will happen in any definitive manner. And I find myself too pussy to say it now. But if my will is power, this is why I am powerless. I have no will of my own.

Too many of my decisions have been made for other people. My entire childhood was an extension of my father's illness, my father's death, my mother's solitude, my brother's descent into his own personal demons. It's why I lived as I did, it's why I fucked those that I did, it's why I left, it's why I hid, it's why I went numb, it's why I have slept through so much.

And I want to be awake now. I believe fundamentally in the power of the Enneagram, and as a Type Nine, I am aware that I will mull a decision over from all points of view, from everyone's point of view, until there is an equality of sides. But an equality of sides means inaction. And inaction in the face of predictable unhappiness means depression, numbness, sleeping. I want to be awake.

My will is my power, but only if will is my own, and only if will is not habit. Be awake. Be your own. Fuck the world. Be your own.