Bleeding No. 2
I have been quiet and secret so I didn't have to upset anyone. I have lived my life to keep pain from the ones I love. It doesn't seem to work. Ever. They still hurt and I can't fix it.
And in the end, I hate myself for not being good enough, or clever enough to have saved them. So I take a little piece of me and I ruin it. I can show you where I am disintegrating for him. And it has not been enough to erase, or even just to numb.
And so I am fucking up my life. In the end, it will be over and I will only have scars to remind me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't clever enough.
posted by macaroon at 7:04 AM
4 Comments:
Lola, the only person you can "save" is yourself. Believe me, I know this from experience. My bio. father is probably waking up in a pool of his own alcoholic vomit as I type this. I could do nothing for him, no matter how much I watched over him, no matter how many bottles I poured down the toilet in secret. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him about it when he was sober. At first, I thought if I just showed him how much I loved him, he'd realize how valuable he is, and maybe if I was fast enough, clever enough in my arguments, he'd see how it was killing him slowly. I had to give up when I realized I was thinking of joining him with the intention of pulling him out of it. That idea was stupider than anything I've ever thought. I saved myself that day.
Eventually, you have to find a way to protect yourself, even if it means walking away forever. Sometimes, that's all you can do.
Lola, I'm not one to talk, but you can't beat yourself up like this. NONE of us are clever enough. We are just silly humans.
That makes me think a little, damn...?
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