Prom Night 2006

So, WOW. I got a little glimpse at the future last night and FUCK, did it look bleak.

First, I chaperoned the Prom. Only had to send three kids home for bringing alcohol or coming drunk (this constitutes about 8% of them, so that's excellent). But I was a good girl and went with E2 (E's husband) to the bar, but did not have a fucking sip until post-Prom. I even went to hide in the parking lot when I wanted to smoke. Go me!!

I sucked down about 12 helium balloons during cleanup though cause my voice is AWESOME when it's really high. We got Japan to do it too...that's basically what every anime sounds like to me. It's okay, she was trashed at that point.

There were plenty of girls this time (our school is mostly boys), but somehow the fellas never manage to NOT hump the teachers inappropriately. And I was wearing a dress with cherries on it so one of the lackies that we kicked out had to go to the "Can I pop your cherry?" place. Really, it was a sick night of testosterone that I thought would come to an end when they all left. But I was so wrong.

We went to a bar afterwards. It was me, 31, E, E2, D, K, A&F, his buddy, and Japan. 31 and I got there late and talked with a delightful couple and their Australian friend outside while we had a couple of cigarettes. I was very pro-Australian guy (we'll call him Chris, cause I just remembered that was his name), and I wanted 31 to fuck him, but as you will see, things went differently.

So, D comes out and has a smoke with us and tells us he ordered shots so we have to go in. We all pile around these tables (the place is really a bit of a hole) and start drinking. I swear to GOD, if I have to talk about Jesus one more time that night, I am going to breakout in stigmata myself. I try to ignore K and Mark (A&F's friend) who are doing just that, but I am bored out of my mind!! Second round of shots and we decide that Japan is fucking Mark, no take-backs.

I lay $10 down for Japan if she fucks him, 31 (ritzy gal that she is) throws down another 20 beans, and I put up ten more if it doesn't happen in the bed. A&F was supposed to be there too, so challenge!! We try and show Japan how to slut it up a bit, touch him, act interested. She likes American guys and her last man was a L.O.S.E.R. She says what we told her was too obvious; I pointed out that you can't catch a hamburger with a fishing net. Point taken, though she still wasn't as forward as she could have been.

We go out for a smoke and Chris is sloshed and sitting very close to me and telling me about Australia. I tell him I knew someone from Adelaide. He tells me he was born there. The couple are having a fight because Guy told Chris that he would hella cheat on Girl with Kylie Minogue. She is livid, and not playful livid, but livid-livid. I think about taking Chris home. But I am a good girl so I say that "my boyfriend would never cheat on me" and he catches it. Le sigh. Still some superficial flirting, but definitely with much less intensity.

So, we order another round. I have to wee, and by the way, ladies, the poster in the bathroom told me that a virus causes cervical cancer (it also told me to tell someone...I told everyone). I get three sips into my vodka tonic and we get kicked out by the 34 year-old bar tender. I know his age cause he likes 31 ALOT and wanted to know how old she was, gave her several business cards, etc. He will SO never win that, slutty as she is.

I know you think the night is over, but nope. It's 2AM at this point and we decide to take it over to 31's place down the street and drink D's $60 bottle of Tequila. I want to take Chris for Anna, but he's drunk and the bickering couple take him with them. I recruit BlueHoodie (who was sort of cute when we first came in) for 31 and wait until I tell you this: She ain't called 31 for nothing. She's fucked him before!! Seven times in his parent's house and then snuck out without shoes in the morning so as not to be seen. And she forget him until he said, "I've met 31 before." Total slut that I love.

BlueHoodie's name is Mike and he was the biggest retard I have EVER met. But before I go there, we all break up into groups and get in our cars. I am so wretchedly undrunk at this point, it makes me want to cry. I tell A&F that he's driving with me cause I want to give Japan and Mark a chance to be alone; A&F, in his drunk state asks, "So, are we gonna hook up tonight?" I thought that was hilarious. He's a beautiful boy, but really not my type and also my colleague. That would be wrong, wouldn't it 31? I was like, "Yeah, A&F, we're gonna hook up. You can be my date for tonight."

So, we're on our way to 31's place (a place I know far too well...actually, a place I know the bathroom floor far too well) but we have to park really far away. This is okay for A&F cause he runs marathons. We find her apartment and Mike's already there, Mark and Japan too, D comes later (sans K), and E/E2 go home cause E's tired. She doesn't drink. Pity. Her man does though and he's loads of fun. I feel bad for E most nights, but then I remember that she's the one who can see all of us objectively and judge us. Grin.

Okay, we all have beers; we're all getting comfy. D comes with his Tequilla and Mike (or StonerMike as he will henceforth be referred) busts out this vile of weed and loads up the bong. I hope my students never find this, but you may have guessed by now, that I smoke from time to time (the relative space between those times is unimportant) but Stoner Mike hits it, then Mark, then A&F, Japan, and I clean her up. One clean-up hit, okay? Remember that. D hits it two or three times and makes StonerMike take Tequilla shots with him. I give D the red-hot-negative on that.

We sit around and shoot the shit. Things are awkward. There are far too many fucked-up people who either don't know each other at all, or know each other too well. There is way too much sexual chemistry around and I am starting to get that feeling I used to get when I was a teenager where I wanted to be anywhere but here because at any second, someone is going to say something, or do something, and a massive hippy orgy is going to start. I am SO not onboard. I had breifly considered Chris but I was NOT signed up for this. Not at all.

We chat. In our heads, we pair people off. 31 and StonerMike, Japan and Mark, me and A&F (my head says DENY), but then what with D? Reorganize. 31 and I start fucking with each other, D tells us to be nice, and A&F goes to the "Are you going to kiss?" place. MAXIMUM VETO. This is the spark. Shit, shit. Mayday! Put it out. 31 asks, "Who? Me and D? Me and lola? All three of us?" I'm like, NO! NO! That's fuel, you idiot! A&F is like, "You and lola."

I have to step in here cause I know where these things go and I am not trying to have the most awkward last year of my life at my job, "No, that's cool." 31 is on my team. She was just fucking around. There is the most awkward horrible silence of all. We're all embarrassed. Even StonerMike who should be the MOST embarassed cause he's fucktarded. (He was trying to teach Japan what "stoked" means by saying, "You know, stooooooked, stooooooked, man. I'm stooooked." What an idiot!)

Music is put on and it turns out that Mark really liked the Lilith Fair bands. He tells us that You Learn was a GREAT Alanis song, and then starts singing it. I try not to be a bitch. It isn't working because I am all of a sudden MASSIVELY stoned. I worry about going home like that. I put my beer down and I get a call from B. I tell him I might spend the night; saying it out loud made me go, "FUCK, I don't want to do that."

Lemme just end this by saying, A&F passed out, D was in a coma (they said I shouldn't worry but he was colorless, white white lips and hands, lying in the middle of the floor with his arms crossed on his chest and looking like death), Japan fell asleep against a chair, I ran away to the bedroom with 31 to gossip, StonerMike followed us. 31 said she might have to fuck him but would rather have had A&F or Mark instead (but she couldn't do that to Japan). I did not want to be part of the bedtime sandwich so I fled. Tried to give her an out with a morning meeting, but the idiot wasn't picking up what I was dropping, so I peaced it.

Mark and Japan were up talking when I left. I had to walk the quarter mile back to my car (I measured because I was terrified) alone in the dark at 4AM, but it seemed the better alternative than succumbing to the questionable activites that were to ensue. I still haven't gotten the post-Prom lowdown yet, but when I left, 31 and StonerMike were alone in a dark bedroom and the pickings were ripe for Japan and Mark.

I imagined every possible danger on my way to the car and drove home in a fun house mirror, promising myself I will never think of sleeping at 31's house as an option again. I love you girl, but I am NOT the swinging type. Grin.

Thus ends PromNight 2K6!