Ruiner

It is said that I ruin things.

I do. But not because I don't love you. It is because I don't love me.

I am sorry that you have attached yourself to someone who is so intrinsically self-loathing and self-destructive. I can't help you anymore than I can help myself. So you give a little. Or a lot. And I can't help but destroy it because I don't deserve it.

I don't need the kink, really. I can hurt myself enough for that. And I can hurt myself worse than you could ever hurt me. I can because I have. My world will tumble around me if I want. All I have to do...

is stop.



There's this part of the kink that people like me don't like to talk about. I have given up trying to sort myself into a class of kinkster or submissive. I think that its distracting to try and fit into a group that is on the outside already. I mean, in that I am not in any other kink. Not into foot fetishes or popping things, or the 1% or carrying. The kink is a group and that has been enough for me, for now.

It's not important what type I am because I know what I like. And I don't like ageplay. Typically. Enduringly. I don't want to be some Daddy's baby; I don't want baby talk or pigtails or cuddling after punishment.

Except, in a way, I do. Not all the time. But right now, I feel like the world's biggest disappointment. I was thinking just yesterday that there wasn't one person in my life that I didn't feel like I had disappointed, or that I am disappointing. Way back into my own unmanagable past. Parents, sibling, friends, coworkers, lovers, boyfriends, best friends, bosses, Dominants, other submissives. My good enough is not their good enough.

And right now, I feel it so deeply. I am sabotaging myself in order to try and please everyone. And its bullshit to say that you can only please yourself because that's not the way the world works. At least, not anymore. We're fucking national now, baby...global. What I do affects you and yours. I am beholden to you.

And I am fucking up. Badly.

And I am checking out. Everyday.

Just get through to the next cause maybe then I can make it up. It's a game of catch up everyday and I am losing. And here is where that whole ageplay comes in. I can feel it. You know what I think when I am overwelmed and anxious, stressed, angry? I think, "I want to go home."

I am at home. This is it. My life is my life but I want to be anywhere else. I want to go back to the simplicity of childhood. I don't want to be a big girl playing little girl, but sometimes I feel like a little girl playing big girl. I wasn't ready for this. But life don't wait for you to be ready. It's always pushing on like a fucking current.

And so when I fuck up, I don't want, "Worthless cunt. You can't do anything right." I don't want punishment that involves sexuality. Not like this. I don't want sexuality like this. I think that sexuality got me here. Satisifying that sexuality got me here. I don't want it at all. Denying it is easy for me. And when it doesn't work, it frustrates everyone.

I punished you, why are you still like this? Why are you still disobedient and resistant? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to me?

Ah. There. That's it. That's what I was waiting for. It's not me. It's you. That guilt crushes me; that guilt works, baby. But it adds and adds. One more I have to put on the list to make up for. Sometimes -- this time, I need something else.

Why are you doing this? You think it is little, but it is sabotaging everything. Talk to me. I still love you. I still want you. You're hurting yourself. You can't see it like you usually can, but you are.

I want the spanking. I want it so much, but I want more. I want reassurance and discussion; I want to be a little girl who can be forgiven. Big girls are spiteful and vindictive; there is intent. I can't take back intent. But what if I'm not a big girl all the time. Is that okay? Can you just say: Stop this. Right now. It's unacceptable and I won't allow it. I'm going to punish you and then we're going to talk about this. And if you apologize because you are sorry, then I will forgive you. You see, I know you. I know that you don't want to hurt me; you want to hurt yourself. But neither is acceptable.

I'm not allowed to hurt me. But the reaction for doing so has never been personal. No one has ever said, "You're cutting yourself to ruin this, aren't you? Why do you hate me?" But you see, I can't help it. I will hurt myself in some way because I have to sort out my frustration. I only found one way to do it without affecting anyone else. And that way is gone. But I have so much frustration over my constant failure. If I go back to my way, my cutting, I am disappointing. I am not committed enough to stop that for myself or anyone else.

I don't even have that anymore.

But I need something. And so I say the wrong things. I cut people out of my life. If they won't go, I do it for them. You see, rejection is powerful. But that's one more person who I can sort later. Or not.

I'm so fucking immature. It's fucked up of me to want to be punished and forgiven and cuddled. It's fucked up of me to ask someone else to see this. It's fucked up of me. I'm fucked up. And I don't see it ending any time soon. At least until the rest of my world is in ruins.