Ravine
I've talked to him everyday and it seems to be getting worse. Do you know the five stages of loss? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance? I feel like I have been hearing them in his voice.
And I don't know how to sound. It's a little bit fucked up of me, don't you think? I don't know how to sound. A reasonable person would sound like how they feel, right? But I have never been reasonable. Especially where he is concerned. I want to do what's right for him. I want to make this easier. It's not easy, and I won't be arrogant enough to assume I can make it better, but I have to think I can do something.
So, I ask myself: How should I sound? Should I sound as depressed and lost as I feel? I want him to know that I feel that way. I want him to know that I am hurting. That this has eradicated a part of me and no matter what happens in the future, I will never get it back; I will never be whole again. But then I think about what that will make him feel. Will he feel responsibile and take it harder? Will he want me to come right back and pick up where we left off? Will he think I think I did the wrong thing?
And what if I sound okay? What if I ask innocuous questions and use my old terms of endearment? What if I contain every drop of regret and pain and guilt and despair? What if I keep myself together for him? Will he think he means nothing to me? That the loss of our relationship was easy for me? Will he think that I have moved on?
How can I have moved on? How could I ever move on?
And he sounds so lost, and hurt, and angry, and hopeless. And it makes me want to cry hearing his voice. And I think he feels the same. And I don't know how not to hear his voice. I don't know how to do anything. I am so tempted to go back, to tell him everything will be okay, to make it better. But I can't make it better. I can only do my part. I don't know what our future holds, and I am terrified that everyday will dig a divide deeper and deeper between us until one day I am standing at the edge of a canyon, squinting at a blur of him on the other side.
I never saw this coming. I know it's the stupidest thing anyone could say. But I really never saw this coming.
I feel so fucking alone in his lonliness. I feel so desperate.
posted by macaroon at 11:58 PM
14 Comments:
Lola,
I once had someone abandon me "for my own good." He tried, several times to tell me that he hadn't wanted to hurt me, that he missed me too, that he was hurting as well. I screamed at him, "then why did you leave?" His displays of tender feelings left me confused and desperate. I did stupid things to get him to come back, hoping that if he was as miserable as he said he was, he'd realize I was better with him in my life.
In the end, it was better for both concerned that we parted. HE was not better with ME in his life, but the end dragged on and on and it was painful for both of us. A clean break would have been better all around. The boundaries would have been clearly set, there would be no agonizing discussions, no confusion, no more additional hurt.
If you know in your heart that you HAD to leave him, then you really shouldn't talk to him anymore for a few months (at least). He is hurting, and he needs his own space to heal, plus he needs to know you were serious about it ending it--and so do you. All this talking, talking, talking just churns everything up, makes you both consider otherwise bad decisions (like getting back together).
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you...
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Dear Laura,
I worry that this will sound lame and stupid coming from someone so much older than you but I can very much remember being your age and going through something similar.
You don't know that this is scarring you for life: you are assuming that. I don't deny for a moment how painful your situation must feel.
It does seem like a good idea to think of all the transitions that you are mking at once. You have been unhappy in your job for some time: good for you for quitting and going to grad school. It must be an enormous adjustment to move back to your mother's home. Any of this would cause major anxiety. Breaking up with your lover would create even more stress.
Projecting this into the future is perhaps what is causing you to go into a tailspin. You really don't know about the future and cannot predict how long your pain will last.
You are a very, very gifted writer and I am pulling for you!
Best regards,
John
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Sounds like the stuff marriage is made of. Go rent "the notebook" Smoke a dube, munch and get the fuck out of your mothers house ASAP!
or
Realize that all this pain is in vain.
Go get married n have babies. Throw caughtion to the wind and go find yourself some joy!
I think he will continue to hold onto you for a very long time, even longer if you continue talking to him every day.
I guess you have to make a decision about what you really and truly want and just do it. If he is not what you want then you can't hold onto him as it isn't fair on either of you. If he is what you want then you should do everything to try and make it work, go to the end of the earth if at the end of the day he makes you truly happy in your heart because you shouldn't put yourself through this if it's not what you want.
Hello?
I think your writing is beautiful.
Yeah....OKaaaaaayyyyy, you can come back nooooow!
I miss my buddy.
Ollie ollie oxen free!
Lolane, I miss you.
I got no life, I can do this all day baby, ALL day.
Get yer butt back here!
I like your blog, very well done! I REALLY like your layout. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish you the very BEST!
OH c'mon, now you've even got guys named COX looking for you!
We are blurs, in time even that will fade...
to be only a diminished thought,some mirage despairingly swimming in the heat of forgetful bliss.
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