Monday, January 30, 2006

Vous ne méritez pas, putain.

Touch. In bed, at the desk, a chair, a ledge in a bathroom. Eyes closed.

Lips open, just barely, soundlessly whimpering, forehead drawn, painful pushing closer. Heart racing loud. Faster. Touch. Fingers plunging a gutter crease. Slut. Fucking slut. Touch. Taunting a spoiled clit, puckering fingertips dipping and tweaking, sweeping, scraping. Bitten lip, swollen lips, creamy skin tipped blushing posies.


Fucked cunt. Sloppy hands want more: sloppy cunt wants more. Careless. Close. Faster, girl, don't you let up. Punished whore with the greedy puss, syruping open thighs. Please, say yes. Please, say yes. Pleasesayyes. Touch. Fingers in. Out. In. Out. Hips fighting, headfirst. Slamming too wide through slut slit. Loves white flashes of pain, cunt-vise swallowing wrist. Crushed between resolved thighs. Cum.

Cunt. You are.
Slut.
Whore.
Mine.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sink

I was fucking industrious today. JB thinks that I should burn off all the extra bitch-mode energy I have and so he suggested that I workout this afternoon. Well, not so much "suggested" as "strongly advised"...which looks like: "No, you will go."

I'm still deciding how to feel about this new element in our relationship (poor choice of words, but can't be helped...I looked for another one, I swear) -- specifically, the manner in which he gets access and control over my activites on a daily basis. Sure, I want someone to make me do things that will help me find happiness. If I could do them on my own, I would have.

But I haven't. And I probably won't. I'm fucking lazy. I do the smallest amount of work necessary to achieve satisfactory results. There are certainly more secret, more injurious forces at work here, but let's not delve beneathe that surface too far, shall we?

Let him tell me what to do? Feel obligated to actually follow-through? Who is this girl? When did I let this happen? I am used to autonomous me, independent me, in debt to no one, a burden on no one. When did I let myself embrace this? When did I give this to someone else?

I feel like I'm underwater. Cold, slow block of impenetrable liquid; haunted water, with cabalfish at my groping feet and tetherweeds before my face. I could get lost here. I could sink so deep that light would stop existing. But I am not that girl. Not yet. How do I keep from breaking the surface and gulping salty, panicked water? How do I say that I am worth more than my life has taught me?

But today, I was industrious. And good. I'm already missing what that anger was giving me. I'm headed back toward numb. Maybe it's just good...numb. When did I start to believe otherwise?

Lesson #15A

I don't know what you've been told...but maple syrup is NOT a good substitute for Sweet 'n Low in your iced tea. It makes it taste like a watery raisin. Even if you get the proportion right, it's crap.

I'm trying to save you a lot of time here.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I apologize in advance.

No, I don't. Fuck you.

I don't want to be good. Not right now.

And for some reason, I haven't been able to be. I'm a fucking spazz, a lunatic, high-strung, strung-out, upupup, manic. I'm mouthy, quick, cutting-mean. I say every single thing I think to every single person I meet. I say the right things, the wrong things. My filter is gone, not even leaving that ring of clinging plastic scraps on a difficult, childproof medicine bottle. You know which I mean?

It seems like you're in my head already, why should I shut up, sitdown, contain, control? I can't hide anything, so why hide anything? Is this free? I don't like it.

I smoke in my house. I bounce and swear, without thought, without remorse. Fuck her, she's a whore. Fuck him, he's a retard. Fuck you all, you can't know dick about me anyway. It's this ticcing anger. I'm not used to anger; I'm not used to lashing out. But it's beautifully real. It's beautiful. I want it for just a little while longer. This happy plateau where fuckyou fuckyou lives.

Spank me later, I want this now. Maybe you can wait it out. I'll be done soon. But for now:
FUCK THE FUCK OFF, YOU DREADFULLY BORING FUCKING FUCK. FUCK YOURSELF. FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND ALL HER FUCKING BULLSHIT. FUCK YOUR JOB, FUCK YOUR WIFE, FUCK YOUR CAR, FUCK YOUR EXCUSES, FUCK YOUR HEALTH, FUCK YOUR BITCHASS CUNT MOUTH, YOUR FUCKING WEAK-WILLED ATTEMPTS, YOUR FUCKING BAGGAGE, YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT, AND ANY FUCKING OTHER FUCKING MOMENT OF ENERGY I HAVE EVER FUCKING WASTED ON YOU, YOU SLOPPY FUCK. FUCK YOUR LIFE. FUCK ALL THAT. FUCK YOU.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fourteen at heart.

So I teach chiddles, yes? Well, today, one of them showed me this and I gave him two extra +'s and played it twice for the class. It was fucking funny.

I must really be a child; I'm so immature. Smirk. And the Keanu reference made me squeal like a teenager too! I'm such a sucka for my man, Keanu.

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Bill and Ted: And we are...WYLD STALLYNS!

Anyway, I was trying to show you this...ADD, like the kids. Here.

Ed Gorey, I love you.

Oooh, easy does it on the metal food group

You will swallow some tacks. You are a little
weird, maybe not so much in a good way. Buy a
yellow tie and wear it on your head.


I love this guy. I have a collection of his art work in anthologies. You really should figure your own death out. Yay, Final Destination etchings! Go death. Grin.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

List: Leaving LA (Pros)

So, I wanted to tell you about life in LA. I have lived here for years. Couple of different places. Called freeways by their titles...I 10 is "The Ten"...you know. Grin. I know the lingo. Have learned to size up people by their various surgeries. I know six different routes to any given place. I can read any Spanish instructions on buses, in restaurant bathrooms, etc.

Los empleados deben lavarse las manos, putas.

Anyway, my current place is an oasis surrounded by the barrio, bordering both the ghetto and Beverly Hills. This is cool though. I kinda like living like this. LA'd be alright if it weren't for the people. Examples follow:

The other night, on my way home, I saw my first pimp and ho duo on a corner not to far from my home. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I've seen pimps and hos before, but this was like, a legitimate prositute a couple hundred yards from my front door. And it was so classically
slimey -- the guy was even wearing an all-white suit. Yep. The two of them were standing under the street lamp, next to a beat-up, cushionless couch, having a casual conversation while the skeeze that accompanies such degenerates was crawling by in dark sedans and
wooden-panelled minivans. (My, my...don't we sound judgemental?) It was a bit of movie magic...

I shouldn't have been surprised, really. Between my house and the flesh-peddlers (Hellfire! Hellfire, sayth the Lord! Grin.) is this tiny, run-down house. It's faded Easter-egg-blue and every single opening is fortified with chipping metal bars.

I'm sure they make Meth in there.

How do I know? First, the people coming and going are a certain tweaked-out type of miscreant, with those um, fear-the-light eyes and habitual itchy twitches. Now, I know what you're thinking...not really evidence. Did I mention that the one time I peeked into their open (for once, shockingly) garage, on my way from the bus stop, I saw this huge, thick black blanket covering the entire opening? In the slat between the blanket and garage door jamb however, it was all tanks and glass. Not fish tanks, either. I know one day I'll be on the news infront of my flaming complex. That house is going to blow up like my friend's neighbor's house did. I'm sure of it. Fucking tweaks.

And then there is your random lunatic. Like the guy that escapes the old age home a couple blocks away every afternoon. He's this older, Asian gentleman; he's got his shit together, too. He's dressed nicely and pleasant in the face area, but he stands on the side of the street every. single. day. holding up some indiscriminate item to passing traffic. Sometimes it's a newspaper, sometimes it's a little statue, or a Slurpee. I have no fucking idea why he does this. Just holds it up, like a weirdo. I fancy that he used to sell wares at an open air market, or he was part of the Pop Art movement, trying to get us to really see our consumerism for what it is. He's harmless though.

So's the homeless guy who lives at the no parking sign. He's there all the time. Just sort of hanging out. The other homeless guy walks like this eight block route in a circle everyday, over and over. He wears dirty, navy-blue sweats, but always has new shoes, so someone must be taking care of him. He won't ever talk to you either, even if you approach him. And he doesn't wear socks.

Then there are the people that live in my apartment building. Jesus. There's the pony-tailed, hippy trash Nazi from two doors down, the couple next door who are always in Japan, the behemoth downstairs with the prison tats and bullet holes in his shoulder and his insane
girlfriend.

There's the middle-aged Brazilian menage a trois who are always at the pool (the guy loves his Speedos, mind you), the hag down the hall who reeks of alcohol and cat piss, wears wigs, and carves odd messages into the carpet on the elevator walls.

The old man with big ears who wears the short shorts/knee socks combination and grunts if you say hello, and the couple downstairs that keep their cat in a pen on the porch. Can't forget my vato landlord and octogenarian landlady. They're adorable. Hee hee.

Plenty more. Not worth listing. But I have been thinking about leaving LA, lately. It would seem to be a good time, bunnies. Peace.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Thread-barren

I am very tired. It's not making me cranky, but definitely impatient.

I am impatient.

Snappish, even. Then dead. My brain isn't working properly.

I am nursing six wounds. I am trying to forget, forgive, ignore, repress. Something. I have to go though, so no time to shoot the shit. I shouldn't spend so much energy on this anyway.

Disgusted. Disgustingly impatient.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Fairy Tales

"Then this is my story. I have reread it. It has bits of marrow sticking to it, and blood, and beautiful bright-green flies. At this or that twist of it I feel my slippery self eluding me, gliding into deeper and darker waters than I care to probe."

Humbert Humbert, Lolita, Vladimir Nabakov

This is my story. I know that. I am so afraid of doing it wrong that I don't do anything.

I have been thinking about acts of self-destruction more and more, lately. I miss them. I stopped them because it was imperative that I be whole and lucid, not numb and self-pitying. I was told not to; I was told to ask first. I don't want to ask. I don't want my own putrid, sluggish, apoplectic depression all over those I love, or even those that subject themselves to my bullshit in a removed, but consistant way.

I shouldn't think out loud. I don't want worry or concern. I am just recording. On the edge of those deeper and darker waters. I could just plunge in, like a very sharp knife.

Blu talked about old journals and paging through them. I have done that recently as well, sketchbooks too. I found some things that I think are far too revealing. I hate that the answers are so obvious...what am I waiting for? What the fuck am I waiting for?

I want it done to me. That's what. I don't want to be the originator of misery. I don't want to apologize anymore.
Dies irae, dies illa
Solvet saeclum in favilla.
Day of wrath, O day of mourning
When the world dissolves in the twinkling of an eye.
I am decided. I am undecided. You have stopped loving me, if ever you had started at all. It is easy to pretend; it is not so easy to pretend we're not pretending. I have loved you. I have known you, more than anyone could hope to know you. It has made no difference. That look in your eyes. It's not love. Not the love that makes your heart beat faster, that makes you want to be around me infinitely, to own me wholly, in every way. To make me yours as you have been mine.

I am alone here.

I am watching you through a window. I will never find a way in. You have said that you miss the way things were. They were never any different than they are now. We were both okay with that though. I am speaking openly now. I am not hiding behind metaphor. My heart is breaking while I'm locked here with you. I have failed you. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your words, and feel it in your heartbeat. I am not what I have been, but I am not sure I have ever been what I have been.

I could not have anticipated how much this would hurt. I could not believe that I might choose the wrong thing for both of us over going through this hurt. I'm not sure I can ever be whole again.

I want to hurt somewhere else; for the first time in a long time, I want it not to be my heart. I won't ask. This is between you and me.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Frogs and The Meek

This poem somehow changed my life. Grin.

Frogs, Frogs, so green and shiny,
When I'm down and sad, they cuddle the limey.
They stroke my hair and pet my face
Until I shoot them, for the human race.

Anonymous (2006)

Manifest destiny, baby! As Eddie Izzard pointed out...I want to be inside you, pushing into you, listening to you cum and cry out as I fuck you, your thighs and arms holding me, my weight crushing your tits, your fat lips by my ear as your pussy grips me...wait, that wasn't Eddie. This was Eddie:

(Jesus Christ) "Anyway, these are just some ideas, you know, they are all rough, that my dad had: 'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.'"

(dinosaur) "Raarrgh!"

"All right, we'll cross that one out. 'Cause they won't mind."

(becomes meek person who has just got the news) "No, no we're fine, really, that's fine. Not inherit the earth? Oh, right, we don't need any…"

(JC) "Do you mind if you just don't inherit the earth? We'll do 'Blessed are the meek' and that's it."

(meek) "All right. Do we inherit anything?"

(other meek) "No. Well, maybe on old picture of an aunt."

(meek) "Well, we're all right with that, thank you."

'Cause the meek have had a hell of a time, as Python talks about. But you'd think: the meek, they were supposed to inherit the earth. You'd think, No! They should be having meetings all over the world saying:

(angry meek person) "Well I'd like to call this meeting to order. Has anyone inherited the earth?"

(meek) "Well I inherited a car from my aunt, a Ford Cortina."

(angry meek person) "Well that's not exactly the earth, is it, Simon? I think we should pool our assets and get guns. That's the only thing people pay attention to. 'Lock and Load! What do we want?"

(meek union) "We want the earth!"

(angry meek person) "When do we want it?"

(meek union) "Now motherfucker! (mimes machine gunning) Oh, you want some do you? Come on you bastards, it's our fucking earth!"

(film trailer voice) "The Meek! They want it All!" (fast disclaimer voice) "Don't watch this film if you are on IV prophane. If you're legs are nailed to your mother. If your jam lives in your…"

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ouch.


Taggery

My delightful little buddy, naughty one, tagged me...though why? I do not know. I have been ridiculously delayed in all my commenting and whatnot. I do not deserve a moment of her time. Grin.

Here are the instructions:

1. Go to your blog archive
2. Find the 23rd post
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the text of the sentence in a blog entry along with these instructions
5. Tag five other people

Well, the summer is ending....

That was definitely worth revisiting. Smirk. I tag: Mistress Cardea, JeopardyGirl, CinnamonSpider, Blu and HL.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Tick Tock

I am a bad person. I am living in a constant state of apology. It has weighed heavily on me and all I want to do is escape.

But escape is only an automatic pause.

Addict. Waiting. Addict. Stagnation. Addict.

I am hurting him and all I ever wanted was to never hurt him. I am selfish. I am so selfish. This is the fork. I am at the edge now -- clinging to it, weak-armed.

Metaphor be damned. I never wanted to make this choice. I never saw it getting to this place...but I can't say that I didn't see in coming.

FUCKME! for being silent. And so FUCKME! for saying anything.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Before Breakfast

I watched you sleep, your eyelashes barely fluttering as your chest surged with every languid breath.

I loved you in that moment, fresh white morning glittering across the bleached linen, dusting bright pearls of light across your naked torso. I could watch you for hours; I did. I laid still, my own breath shallow, so not to wake you. And I blinked slowly as your fingers twitched, a happy itch in sleep, your mouth wound slightly at the corners.

And when I finally couldn’t lie any longer, I took a deep, salubrious breath and slid from the bed, a fallen sheet, a playground jaunt, without real substance or sound. I stood and padded to the bathroom, ignorant of your stirring, your eyes flickering across my creeping frame, my skin undulating heat in a cold room. You could taste me—milk and honey, velvet clover—before you could see me.

You heard the bathroom door shut; I rinsed my face, brushed my teeth. Yanked a flannel skin over my head, down my belly. Pulled a pair of clean panties up my legs, wreathing my darling pleat. I shook my hair uselessly in the mirror, fluffing with my fingers and smoothing through the nest with a frown. I turned the light off first, cracked the door by inches, leaving you to the wall of silence around your dreams.

My hand was on the doorknob when you spoke, “Where are you going, little one?”

I froze; the sound of your voice bringing an extra half-beat to my pulse. Was I scared or was I thrilled? I couldn’t tell the difference anymore, but you were already up, shifting onto your hips at the edge of the bed, rubbing your eyes with your fists.

Scared. My fingers fumbled the doorknob and your face snapped up, catching mine, my hands; you were out of bed before I could turn the sweaty piece of iron in my palm. Your nearly nude body slammed me from behind, ironing my naked legs to the wooden grain, your mouth, cheek scuffing my neck as your lips joined my ear; you hissed, “You wouldn’t be leaving me, would you, my girl?”

My lips curved upward, eyes closing as my body turned and sagged against you. You caught me by the wrists and pinned the backs of my hands flat against the door jamb, your mouth feeding from my tongue, teeth, chin, as my back arched toward you, pressing my chest against complying flesh. When your fingers dug a trail down my arm, my collarbone, clutching my breast in a cruel, tormenting grasp and grinding my nipple through the waffled cloth, I moaned in your ear, your name, your title.

“Good girl,” you purred, twisting my mulberry areola with a ruthless grin. You were amused at the pain in my eyes, flattening the same hand then against my belly and crushing the dip of my back across the lacquered grain. I grunted, my eyes wavering just below your gaze. You watched my mouth, my lips split and gleaming where you had departed your flavor. My hand slid down the jamb, and I winced as your rough fingers swam into my panties and sloughed down across my swelling clit. My mouth was butterflies, whimpers dipped through an entreating pucker.

“Good girl,” you shushed, tapping my plumped button.

My legs shook as you leaned down, your mouth followed your pioneering hand, carving out a groove in my supple skin, melted heat and imprinted with your groping lips. My panties disappeared. I gaped, eyes flickering listlessly in my lust.

You were on your knees in front of me! Oh, oh.

I saw the contradiction and my heart beat twice in one, feeling somehow off, for a breath. But you were so adept with your tongue, suckling my slippery lips as I bucked hard against you, gushing sweetness from my rubied hollow.

My leg inched up your arm. I draped arrogantly over your shoulder, shutting your blessed mouth against my twat, writhing in a song of gurgling moans. You sucked me harder, tongue slapping around my tender bud as my hips jabbed forward. My hands found your head and twined knots in your short hair, fastening your face to my lap, your mouth and chin dripping with spicy syrup. I blinked slowly, an aching orgasm building between my hipbones.

I was weak, I trembled.

Oh, oh. You knew how close I came, your mouth ending immediately and a brief, forceful smack finding its way across the side of my thigh. My trickling moans became an explosive yelp.

“Don’t be a greedy cow,” you grunted, grabbing the crest of my hip and turning me around with surprising force. You stood, pressing your happy lap against my ass, your hands invaders, snaking up my body, one hooking into the neck of my shirt and yanking it downward. My cheek burned down the door, the peach cleft of my backside unfolding, my cunt cached slippery wet between. You groaned softly, the heat from my thighs palpable.

When you let go, you wrapped your fingers around the back of my neck and pinned me there, legs apart, cunt dewy and full. Your other hand was inches from my slit as I shook; you thrust your fist between my thighs, opening them both, little finger and thumb gouging my sensitive flesh as the rest were sunk, knuckles deep, into my cunt.

“Sir!”

The gasp was involuntary, my slit saturated as you fucked me, nearly your whole hand stretching and hammering my misused pussy. I loved every second of it, hiccupping my appreciation, mouth clinging to a fat, wet smile. My hips shifted against you and I turned, gaze skipping across your face. You were a dream. Your face was closed, but your eyes more open than I have known; they ate me alive.

You pounded me while I cried, wailed, screamed. My tits were crushed against the door and your hand tightened on the back of my neck. I couldn’t turn to look at you anymore; I couldn’t see anything but fading lights, anyway. Your fingers were thick, furious intruders and I was going to cum; I was going to cum and I couldn’t do a thing about it. My heart jumped, pummeling my ribs and my breath disappeared. I heard your growl, a low alarm. My cunt collared your hand, snaring you in my glossy hollow.

I heard you growl again, louder.

“Fuck!” I whispered as you ripped your hand away and smacked my ass, your palm splayed and brutal, shamefully soaked. You left wet, staining fingerprints on my insolent backside. I howled, my body slamming from heaven to earth once more.

Pounding the door hard, I whined your name.

“Fuck me,” I cried, petulantly, sullen. I pressed my ass out farther, grinding it against your lap, pleased to find you absurdly hard. I smiled to myself but got only four more bruising slaps to my naked end for my trouble.

“You don’t deserve my cock in your filthy, ungrateful cunt,” you spit at me, hand spidering up my head to rest snugly against my scalp, punctuating your proclamation with savage tugs. You pulled my head to your mouth, bit my jaw, your breath forced through gritted teeth. Your expression not as contained as I knew you hoped.

I moaned, knees bouncing impatiently. My cunt was sweltering and you could taste me in the air, unmistakably. Even though you were controlled and focused, your hips could not resist seeking to sink your swelling into my throbbing pussy meat; you resolved, instead, to take me back to the bed, bending my hips over the side with pinching fingers.

You groaned as my lush, ripe ass was spread for you across the steam-white duvet. I caught myself on my forearms, crawling onto the bed, but you encircled my ankle with a ready grasp before I could escape, scolding, “You almost came again, didn’t you, slut?”

I was heaved backward, belly scraping along the sheets as I whimpered. Your solid, unrelenting hand was spanking against my already sore cheeks. I nodded, moaning as my backside cherried under your remorseless tirade. I was near tears, biting them back with every fiber of will I had left.

"I'm sorry, Sir! I'm sorry! I'm sorry," I gulped, earnestly.

You loved it. You loved watching me squirm and thrash, my ass owned and exploited, dominated entirely by your caprice. I was helpless and it was how you liked it. Would I bruise? Would I bleed? I was at your mercy. I knew better than to beg.

My bottom was swollen, like my face, my eyes, my lips, my cunt. I was a bursting pink posy, fuschias, pomegranate, lavenders and wine. I was ache, my body shaking, knees spread and curled into my shoulders. The linen had soaked with tears, and where my mouth had rested, blubbering open.

You stopped, breathing hard, fingers still clutching my ankle too severely. You thought about sinking your teeth into my raw ass. Fuck. I was rocking myself slightly, sucking hard on my palm, keeping my eagerly soothing hands from my punished backside.

You ran your hand through your hair, let me go in disgust, “How dare you—after I had forbidden it! Gluttonous cunt! Your pleasure is mine to negotiate. Mine. So now, I’m taking it.”

I saw your hands twitch at the corner of my eye. I was afraid, watching you strip your boxers from your body, but I couldn’t look away. If I looked away, you would pounce. You were the creak, the dark, the monster in my closet. You were forcibly naked, your thick, purpling cock, with its glistening plum head closing in on my pussy. Yes, yes. Please. I turned my head, my tongue silent as blood pounded yesyesyes through my ears.

I shrieked when I felt your hands on my beaten flesh, climbing behind me, dipping your shaft beneath my sopping pussy and sliding it along my clit. You were sticky, my honey slit lacquered your cock; you nudged my tight asshole in warning. My back bent fiercely as you held me; I twisted hard, groaning my refusal.

“Shut up, cunt,” you snarled, simply, fingers tensing, flinching, burrowing into my soft hips, the heels of your hands unfolding my ass. I grabbed the covers, spine bowing, rounding as I begged, loudly, futilely. You were deaf to my cries as you plunged your cock into my unwilling cleft, spreading my tight ass roughly as you fucked me.

I whined your name, gasping in ache, my body writhing against yours with desperation. I would bruise. You loved me like this—subject to your every urge. You nearly came at that thought and you shook me for it, gripping my hair like a bridle and riding me harder.

I shrieked as your dick slammed into me, gradually shifting to resigned moans, then pleading prayers. Fuck me. Fuck me.

“Fuck me,” I begged, my hips bucking against your lap, “Cum in my slut ass, please Sir.”

“You wanna cum, cunt?” you asked, never slowing as you plowed my shuddering body, breaking me with a satisfied nod. Your teeth caught the skin below your lip and you lunged into me, your balls slapping my soaked cunt lips. I threw my head back and groaned, swallowing hard and trying to open my eyes. My thighs were rolling my hips on your cock and I was panting thickly.

“Pleeeeease,” I hissed, shoulders pitched forward as I bent my face into the sheet, ass high and meeting your deep plunge. You grinned.

“No,” you said. It was crushing, devastating, ruinous. I wailed, long and loud, as you continued to fuck me, lickety-split my split, sawing into my crevice without thought or concern. You were going to fuck my aching, eager asshole until you filled me. I wanted it; I wanted to be satisfying for you. I screamed inwardly with frustration, but thanked my lucky stars, pennies, and clovers that you would still use me, in any capacity.

I groaned, scrambling up off the sheets, my body closing around your thumping cock. Your fingers drilled my hips while you grunted, jaw locked tight, your balls tensing…and then with a jerking moan, releasing hot, gummy cream into my puckered hole. A shiver ran through my body, my cunt achingly plump.

“Thankyou thankyou,” I whispered, as you slid still, slower, draining your balls in my ravenous cleft, leaking from my stretched opening down my tingling lips. I reached between my thighs and slid my fingers through milky cunt sap.

You caught my hand just before it reached my wicked pout, lips dipped open and mouth watering.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” you murmured, catching your breath, your weight falling down on me, dick still swallowed by my greedy body. I flinched, opening and closing my hand, uselessly, unhinged with desire.

“Please,” I begged, with desperation, spreading my hand and watching my wetness spin silken webs between my fingers, “Please Sir, please say yes.”

My voice was wavering; you were merciful, “You may taste, little one. You may lick your hand clean, suck your fingers—but that is all. Your cunt and ass stay as they are, wet and dirty and used. Do you understand?”

Monday, January 16, 2006

Malcontent

We're too similar sometimes. I mean, we're not. But we are. We have the same thoughts at the same time, we have the same dance of insecurities.

And so it shouldn't have come as a surprise.

How appropriate those words sound, right? You don't know, but I do.

And now, I should craft an apology letter. I'm not sorry. I mean, not really. Mm. I don't know if I am; what he said could be true, but I know that there was cruelness behind it. I wish he wouldn't pretend impartiality. Cause it's insulting.

I know why you said it, you know. It's the same reason I can't feel sorry. What I have said to you, that was honest, but ultimately betraying and alarming. I don't want to be so transparent; I don't want to be a bad person. And you don't want to be disappointed.

And so we end it in a bad place; what you said was loaded (again, serendipitiously appropriate), and how I reacted, extreme. There is distance again. You are happy. I am not.

I told you: And you don't seem to understand how important endurance has become to me. The idea of being left terrifies me. The thought of it, makes me want to cry. If I'm not useful, if you can't be upset around me too . . . I will be left.

But maybe this is how I know. I have already learned that it is better to never have loved at all; everything is temporary. I just have to know how temporary. You're angry right now. Your messages are very clear. It's a turning point, I think. I don't know which way it will go. I hate this. I tried to tell you I hate this.

I am afraid to listen to the message.

It seems to have gotten worse. You've said: . . . . we don't seem to be good for each other. Walking off like that was fucked up though. Whatever, it's all fucked.

I am more freaked out than ever. I can't fix this, and I am no longer treading water. I listened to it. I listened to it and you didn't sound angry. I am digging a cavern I can no longer see the lip of. He's right. It's all fucked. And it's crushing me. I don't want to be left. I tried to tell you.

I make things harder for myself. Try to stop being fucked up, lola. You know what I mean. It's a sad thing to see. You aren't that important. You aren't.

It would be easier if sometimes -- just sometimes -- we stopped playing the game, because sometimes, we're not playing the game.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Situational Subs

Technically, I didn't ask x if I could use these conversations, but hopefully she's anonymous enough that it doesn't matter. You see, she's one of those gallies that I can talk to for hours (and have!!) about all the implications of our kink. The best part is that, to some people, our lifestyle and preferences are just a little bit of fun with one of their more daring exes. To us, it's a journey that we take seriously (even too seriously at times) but as a result, I feel more comfortable, inspired, and clear for having known her and having had these discussions.

Cheers to carpooling!


lola: I want to have the blind faith that [Name Removed] does, but I just don't. I want it proven over and over.

x: I do not mean this in a derogatory way...but [Name Removed] has little expectations of her Tops/Doms/Daddies. She wants attention and a stream of it. That is enough to appease. Do you see? I know she has all the components...but her triggers, her evidence of fidelity is purely relational to time. I don't have that option; neither to do. I can't have H for hours. I can, only at a detriment to myself and my real life world.

lola: Yes, I see.

x: My expectations are...worse. Higher. I am by turns, exquisite and terrible. :)

lola: Which is why, no matter how much I envy her vapid acceptance, I don't want it.

x: I don't think you can be that way. Like her, I mean.

lola: I know, but when I feel like a failure, I know I see her as success.

x: Her constant [complaints] are a huge signal: Pay attention to me. Give me affection. Give me time.

lola: I see that I wish I could just be BE submissive, ask no questions, just take what they give and be grateful. And I know that I can't, so it feels like I lost somehow and she won.

x: Would you consider quantity of partners a success? Or are you like me, the pure ether of ONE is a measurable success?

lola: No, I know she's fucked up; I just envy the simplicity.

x: I dunno...I personally think that there are many levels of need.

lola: All true.

x: For the [Name Removed]’s of the world...who want to do no work...and just wants the girl to be naturally submissive...that is one course.

lola: Yeah. I hate that guy.

x: I saved this the other day...to try to blog about...“Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself.... The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer--because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut.” Because that is us. I'm not being prideful. Or scornful. Maybe I’m a tad wee elitist. :) I think I'm the shit.

lola: Nice. I wonder about that.

x: Even as a submissive....I think I'm worth only the worthy ones....the best ones. Is that wrong of me, is that not a submissive trait? Of course...I like being a brainless slut at times. :)

lola: And in turn, the flip side, me questioning my value as a possession. And me wanting to find my superior. I feel the same way. And indeed...brainless slut does not a bad time make.

x: But only after I’ve clearly been exposed as a clever minx, a catch-me-if-you-can...you DO want to catch me...sort of girl.

lola: Yes, and does this make us shitty subs?

x: It makes us...high expectation and maintenance subs. It makes me a situationally submissive creature. I am more than this kink alone.

lola: I like how that sounds. We should make cards.

lolalane
x-girl
scarlett (honorary member)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Instead

“Is that enough or do you need more, cunt?”

She looks at his chest, face very close to his, chewing her swollen lip lightly, “It's not...it's not up to me, S-sir.”

She winces, praying that it's been enough.

“It's not, cunt, but I was giving you a chance to convince me.”

“Then, yes Sir. Please Sir. It's enough. It's enough.”

“What are you?”

“Your cunt, Sir.”

She opens and closes her hands, fingers stiff from clenching, and palms sore.

“Good girl.”

The punishment was fierce, but it wasn't real enough. I don't know how to feel about play. I used to think it was this fun outlet, an excercise in head fucking. The better my opponent was, the deeper he could burrow into my brain; and those that were the best were twisted down to the core, like a wine opener spiraling into my darkest, most guarded thoughts. They would pull out feelings that would dry my throat, flip my stomach, flood my cunt. It was realer than real, and not real at all. It was safe.

But I don't want safe anymore. I want something that hurts; I am a masochist. I invite pain because I like it, I crave it. A specific pain, a specific manner. I want it...from him. And it is impossible -- but not. I cannot say this to him; I have tried and it has been repeatedly fruitless. Asking has never been a strength of mine, nor needing.

My fear is a fantasy. If only I were clever enough to tell him.

And so, I don't. And instead, my irritation channels away from me, cascades onto him. It's unfair, I know, and I have gotten too comfortable relying upon him to guess my feelings. He gets close. Frighteningly close, but just a little off. The interpretation, or maybe the source; he knows that I want, but he doesn't. It's my fault.

Instead of saying, "I need you to show me the boundaries, to forget my insecurities and to reaffirm the connection over and over if required. Build up fences, build up a fortress so that I can take down my walls. Lock us in together for as long as it takes. Don't close, because when you shut down, I can't be open. Don't be frustrated; know that commitment means time and patience. Believe that in the end, I will be the girl you had hoped I would be. Don't be lazy. Don't fear upsetting the balance. Know that my commitment is genuine. Accept it. Be constant in your expectations. Know that I will lie: I will omit: I will resist and I will remain stubbornly defiant. Believe that you can dismantle all of this and then do it. If it doesn't work, try again, try differently. Don't leave me. Don't ever leave me. Know that your most valuable weapons are my desire to please you, my disdain for conflict, and my relentless loyalty. I will tell you. I will tell you anything, everything if you ask me to; so, ask me to."

I say nothing. I am choking on my doubts.

And so I am alone tonight. I couldn't tell him, and so I am alone. I prickle too easily; it agitates him. And he mirrors me:

I say, "Are you mad?"
Pause. He says, "No."
I say, "What are you?"
He says, "Nothing."
I say, "Okay."
He says, "Okay."

And it is done...but I feel like shit. Out of sync. I have a lot of things going on right now, stuff that has me on a knife edge between insanity and eternal numbness, and I cannot percieve a difference anymore. I need connection -- right now; I need balance and endurance. I hate needing and so I push him away.

But I am alone tonight.

I hate alone too.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Cave Painting and the Renaissance

A slice from some ancient play, (who likes saaaamples?!?) when I was young, inexperienced, and impressionable. How some would take advantage, tainting the curious and inquisitive girl and then coming back for more, more...but I loved every second. Grin. And so today, I show you a little bit of before and a little bit after. I feel like I should be pressed up against a doorjamb with a Sharpie on my head.

Today, I am THIS big!


…she wriggles, choking it all down, bucking and swallowing. He grips her hair…guiding her up and down...

“Oh yehhhhhhhhhhh...suck it.”

She spreads his taste all over his dick and licks him hungrily.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

She moans, panting. She pushes him back, away from her body, and leans back on her hands, breathing heavily. He catches his breath.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm…very nicely done.”

She grins, wiping her mouth on her arm.

“Tell me how wet that pussy is.”

She smiles and shakes her head.

“No?”

A girl's entitled to her secrets.”

She smirks.

“A girl’s going to get it in her bottom next time if she doesn’t tell me.”

She gasps, “Very, very wet.

“Was that so difficult?”

She growls. He smirks. She refrains from her list of profanity.

“Good girl.”

Yes. Remember that.

He smiles and nods.

I feel so old. What was once a monosyllabic impression of play has become monstrously carnal and liquid, fluidly alive in my veins, my vision, my pussy. I'm like a super-lame girl, skimming back through her diary...I swear I really thought I loved Jake! Remember that time he left his sweater in my car?!? It was a sign! We would have had really beautiful babies. (Big, heartfelt sigh of regret.)

Anyway, smirk:


…she closes her eyes, delicious, slurping, sucking, hard and methodical, opening her legs wider, bending deeper, mouth sliding farther onto his cock, lips snugly slipping up his shaft.

He moans, his hips bucking forward slightly, pushing his cock deeper into her mouth; he pushes her head forward, his dick hard as it slams against the back of her throat, choking her as he pushes down hard on her head, hips moving, fucking her mouth, his eyes closed.

She grabs his hips, squeezing into his skin furiously, breath shorter, sliding him to the back of her throat, a tight, damp tunnel trapping him, throat swallowing hard around him. She moans softly, delicately, focused, wanting to please, wanting to serve, wanting to be fucked, and devouring him gratefully. She gasps, chokes, still sucking hard, lips wet, fingernails cutting into his skin, eyes wide, throat closing.

He moans, gripping her hair, pulling and pushing her head roughly, using her mouth, soft and warm, wrapped around his cock as she sucks earnestly, kneeling with her legs wide as her cunt drips down her thighs…


PS.
I am aware of how self-congratulatory this blog title is, but realize that I am in fact, an artist, and I recognize that in the spectrum, I am no where near my Modernist revolution yet. That, my friends,
that is going to be published! Squeak.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Examining Title-Dictated Exchange

Or: "Fuck my slut head or I'll fuck it myself."

When we gallies are struggling with our kink, it seems, oddly, that we first move to an analytic space. And sometimes I think this is not honest; how can you rationalize and standarize the process? How can you track normal in a spectrum of deviance? But for us, it's easier to start from an objective space, removed; our feelings have been known to betray us. It is our minds, our thoughts, that have remained reliably steadfast and predictably consistent. Our minds have protected us from vunerability, have fought to keep us balanced, in control. And so we digest this way. See?:

x: He always seems to wait until I have to crash and burn to rescue, to find the cues and cures to come in. I need him to see my distress signals as I'm on the way down, before I actually resort to crashing and burning. It shouldn't be so stormy, so polarized. Heaven or Hell. It should be...catching me on the way down.

lola: This I feel in tune with. I am trying to get my thoughts together on this stuff too. I feel like I blog muddled because I am still so muddled about it.

x: There is either overkill of punishment WHEN I've crashed and burned myself....or nothing, almost an equal jocularity...that exists when I've not crashed or burned.

lola: Yes, there is too much that you have to do on your own. Or that you have to sort on your own.

x: Yes. And I can stand on my own in real life. I am capable. I am not asking to be rescued or kept. I don't need that.

lola: I know what you mean. Another intangible. And I can’t just say, “Be in my head.”

x: But...there is a degree of "with me-ness" that I need that interweaves thru the life, the real life, apart from the kink AND within the kink. I want more than play. I need something above the coyness. I need...constancy. It is why I resort to blatant attention getting or pushing his buttons.

lola: I know that feeling too much.

x: Do you? It is a pathetic little girl moment that I set my own house on fire for him to see that I need him.

lola: I think that's what's made me so itchy lately. Fuck! YES! I'm doing that too and it sickens me!

x: Then you do understand where I am.

lola: Yes, and it feels terrible. I hate stooping; but I hate needing it more. So fucking conflicted. Anyway, this is what I mean. I can't figure out a way around it.

x: It is also why....nothing holds. I have no sure platform under my feet. The safety I feel (post punishment or post lots of attention) is tangible only in moments...and so I drink it in, trying to stay with him for hours, being a time sink...b/c once the session is over, it fades. Then the next day, I am on the scale again, measuring the days to feel "filled" again.

lola: And I don't trust him to do it for me.

x: One thing that [Name Removed] does do for [Name Removed] that I envy is that He never leaves her. He leaves her with a sureness of him (which she still questions). But that is a direct result of being able to see each other every two weeks. Is this you too?

lola: Yes, but…weak-ass attempts at punishment mean so little to me, because they're not consistent and, in all honesty, I can easily get around them. I keep pushing farther and I think that it disappoints him that I push at all. And I hate being a disappointment. But I don't get that thing I need; though I am basically denying it to myself.

x: X said something the other day...that I do understand but it is an unresolved thing with me. That in the synergy...one of us has to crack. He cannot lead without my consent to be led. My issue is that I can't submit to be led until HE shows me that he is worthy, more, topworthy. I've heard it said that the submissive...by cracking...unleashes the possibility to be Dominated. But the first action must be the sub. I have talked about this with Him.

lola: I see. I have been thinking about that a lot too.

x: So...the end result is that I can't ask, I can't submit and I can't break...so perhaps the onus is on Him to do it. By whatever means. That is a large burden to place on another.

Wait, there's more. This was just a piece of that pie I am studying at the moment....

Monday, January 09, 2006

Le parole stanno verniciando.

I went to your house. There was no one there. I was all alone.

I went through everything in my own time, some drawers ripped through franctically, clawed through, swam through with desperate breath, panting, drowning, flopping through your things. Some drawers meticulous and pendulously painful, my arms heavy, my fingers too far from my thoughts. I looked at everything. Glances, and maybe more, my eyes greedy for everything, anything you've touched with your breath, your gaze, your skin. And I wanted to consume everything, hide it in my belly, crush it between my teeth, grinding your secrets.

Pupils flickering around your room, catching the light, catching your scent.

I am not here. I was never breathing your air.

No no no no. I am grayest gray. I am silence in a masoleum, the tap tap on opal, my body is a lamentation cage. Plump, youthful arms are wrapped tight around my throat, hungry for my worthless flesh; a scab over those tender wounds left from when we held each other through all that was golden.

And now it is purple, royal bruises, teeth soft like beautiful words melting down my channeled tongue. Turn it off before I bleed, before I am a useless bride, twisting up through the roots, a sick, wickedsick implosion that cannot be contained--that is, by nature, contained.

I am vomiting here. Here in your room, in your sanctorium, sanitarium. Crushed under my own ivory Bastille. I could never hold you up: I beg you to hold me down. I am alone and you love it that way. You laugh, chiselling your palsyed disgust into my tender ear. I can't cry. You want it and I owe you what you want, but I am a mocking bird, I am disobedience, I am hysteria, I am dementia, my darkness an oily gorge that I could never climb.

You've pitched me into my Mariana with a healthy rope to hang myself and silver hyena charms; I itch, itch.

No no no no. The curse, the joke I was to Him, to He. I want to find you here, but all my hope is a sad song muffled within your walls. I find nothing because your shell is gone. You are your ancient suit in the closet, you are the heavy breaths as I try to shut my throat door. You are the crying in my magic world, a lonley tinkle as the tine scratches your gravestone. No no no no.

Take me. I scream-raw for you to take me too. Don't leave me to the roots in the trench, forgotten even by hell, rotting into extinction, your yellowed baby shoe caked in mud. We all die alone. We all die with nothing. We blink out, missing like the teeth of time.

Fuck, baby. I can't catch my sorrow in my hands. I can't tell you what I know. We are all fucked. We grab at each other in our flicker. And now I grab for you because I can't slide away. I can't swallow away. I can't wish away. Keep me.

No no no no. Keep me.

Cyber Refrigerator

Write me a haiku, JB. Five. Seven. Five. Syllables. About anything. Fuck "I can't be bothered." Write it!

In church grounds of Notts
Smokers and crims with eyes small
Wallow till darkness.

Nice. Fucking criminal. I knew it.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

"You antsy, baby?"

I want a line in the sand. I want No. I want punishment. I want reassurance. I don't want to be headfucked; I hate the game.

Say no. Punish. End it.

I can't end it. I am always a reflection. I wait.

You have to do it. You have to say: "I adore you, lola. I know that you are wickedly clever, and insightful, loyal and most importantly, loving. I am proud of you, of how you reflect on me...mostly. But what you did then? It makes me angry. You are too bright and too perceptive for that to have been unintentional. You are being childish and mean-spirited; you are disobeying me and you are misinterpreting the truth. It is unacceptable. You are better than that. I expect more than that."

And punishment. I hate punishment, but in an odd way, it makes me feel (sigh, there is no less-cliche word...I looked) safe. No, I won't explain that here because it's over-explored as it is, but I need it. I do. And not convenient punishment, but something weighed and contemplated, something meant to be memorable, severe but not traumatizing, mildly humiliating, potentially painful, exacting and deliberate. I don't want to play at punishment; I want to fear it. I want correction.

Don't leave me. Don't accept it. Say No. Mean it. Be ready to argue with me, but in the end, meet me and expect. I have given you the power and I recognize that you can wield it as you see fit. I don't know how to say all this without "topping from the bottom" but there has to be a way in which asking for it is NOT "topping from the bottom," right? We decide together what I need, don't we? I can ask, can't I?

I love this relationship because there doesn't have to be headgames. I don't want them anymore. I want honesty and forthright definition. I want to be the submissive, the inferior, the one that concedes. I want you to keep meeting me, keep asserting that agreement because it makes me happy, secure.

Tell me to shut up. Grin.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

On Voluntary Submissives

I have had many a conversation with submissive friends of mine, acquaintances, garrulous strangers, and I have gathered, over the course of this little journey of mine, that being a submissive goes one of two ways.

The first one is a natural submissive, easily transitioning into the bootlicking, prostrated servant of Master, unreservedly opening one's body, mind, and soul to the access of one's superior and owner. The second is what I will refer to as a voluntary submissive, only in that submission is something one would have to struggle with, reaffirming and forcing, no less desired than that of a natural submissive, but a dance of resistance and acceptance.

The natural submissive does not openly question, accepts directives with grace, trust, obedience; a natural submissive says Sir or Master without a flinch, without a caught breath, without even a hint of inner-conflict, to all her superiors, earned or not. A natural submissive has nothing to swallow, because it wouldn't occur to her to challenge the simple nature of relationship.

The voluntary submissive wants to submit, but recognizes an internal need for discretion. To the voluntary submissive, you must first earn the title of Sir or Master, and then still, she may have to force it from her tongue in weaker moments of conflict. She will expect continuity, consistency, perfection to reinforce the relationship; the fallibility, the humanity of her Master is in the back of her mind. Trust comes more slowly, but in turn, loyalty is fierce. She will say "No."; she will say "Why?". She will have to be coaxed and she will have to be forced.

I had two conversations today that seem relevant to my little dissertation:

lola: I, too, am questioning the nature of my submission and how it is affected by how I view the relationship.

p: If things are great....then you are more submissive? But if they aren't, you are less so?

lola: No, more like... If I can see him as mostly infallible and just and even subjective, then I can accept an imbalance in power. I know that that isn't reality, but I can't just say “Yes, because you say it is so.” And if I am in a moment of seeing any hypocrisy or limitations on his part, I fight it very hard. I always want the submission, but I want it to have been earned. I think I am too worthy of a simple title-dictated exchange. And I worry that it makes me a shitty sub.


lola: Mm, but not all men. And still, you want the right man. [Name Removed] does nothing for me. You met him?

l: He is an asshole. Sorry, but, “Get me a beer?” Yeah, if you want it to come sailing out of the kitchen and hit you in the fucking head. Who am I, Edith Bunker? No, sorry.

lola: Yep, but I loved to play with him. I find him so simple and he's so infuriated with me that he wants to spank me more than he wants to fuck me…and so there he is, FUCKED by me.

l laughsssssss.

lola: He wanted to collar me. In fact, he informed me we were collaring. I told him he couldn't handle me (and I think he really hated me).

l: I bet more’n half of ‘em want to collar you, lola, but are scared to death. That's okay, wait for one who is worthy.

lola: But he HAD to collar me to control me. I love when I realize how superior I am to them. And I ran through them because I WAS superior to them. I'm a spanko at heart, sure, but I love the D/s push and pull, and I really want to feel like my Dom has earned me.

l: *nods at lola* It is hard for strong, smart women to submit! We can’t do it for just anybody! They must be worthy!


Submission is a struggle for me. I want it, badly, but it isn't easy. I hate conflict more than anything else in the world, but I push myself into it. He says, "Do this. Do it because I say so. You answer to me." And when it's something that I want to do, I tremble with an impulsive resistance, but I acquiesce shortly. But when it's something I loathe doing, and he says, "Do it because I say so. You don't need another reason." I refuse. Inwardly, outwardly. I cry, I whine, I beg, I plead, tantrum, threaten, abuse, I grovel, I dig my heels in hard and fast. Anything to NOT do it.

Submit, lola. He is asking for...no, demanding that I submit. Prove your submission, prove that you will lower yourself.

I will lower myself, if forced, but the true nature of the submissive, to lower yourself willingly, to open your body, mind, and soul without being asked. It is so beautifully simple, and I want it so much--to be owned, possessed, unified in balance and belonging, so why do I fight it?

I want an opponent and I want him to be worthy; and I want him to be enduring. I want him to say no and mean it, every single time. I want someone pushing back, not away. I want lines drawn around, not between. I want to be the most valued of his possessions, used and celebrated, treasured and cared for; I want to bring him pleasure, obedience, and pride. I want him to know that I have been the best for him because it pleases me to please him. And I want to stop thinking I have to push to know that is true.

I am being horrible. And sadly, I know it. I have to stop telling myself to be good, and actually be good. No more stirring up trouble for him; no more direct refusals. I tried to make amends today with someone in that respect, so we'll see how that goes. It took me a helluva lot of pride-swallowing. But I did it. There's this one other thing I have to do. More pride-swallowing. My logical mind understands these tests.

When I say no, I think I've won. If I can get him to drop something, I think I've won. But you see, he remembers this. He shelves it somewhere in a pile of my failures and disobedience. He is worthy and I am denying him; it is wrong. I know. And I feel sick later. Why couldn't I just say, "Yes, Sir."? Why couldn't I know, in that moment, that he does care about me, and I do trust him, and he has asked me for submission, and I want to give it to him? Why can't I do it? Why won't I do it?

Why do I still want to be forced? I hate the disappointment; I want the punishment. I want him to know that, and give me neither. p suggested that doing things to fuck with him, as I have an occasion to do, in order to get a particular result, could be considered topping from the bottom. And I hated that idea. I said: I don't want a result, I want him to think.

But it's true. I am topping from the bottom. It's manipulative and it's disgraceful, and I have to stop. I feel like a little kid smashing all the champagne glasses from the China hutch and screaming, "Look at me. Look at me." And it's not a matter of attention; it's for the reassurance that he is enduring and that our particular relationship is enduring. I want him; I want my Dominant. I want balance and stability and security.

I want to be a good girl.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I'm Back, Bitches!!

And back to work.

But first, a night of relaxation. Grin.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Now.

Now.

It's the scariest word in the whole world to me. Now.

Now means there is no discussion. Whatever I was going to say; any excuses or promises or begging is gone. When I hear Now, I am helpless. Now is the end of my chances.

My name. Now. It's terrifying. He's had to refocus me. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't fast enough, compliant enough. He thinks I'm not listening, he thinks I am being a bad girl. Lola. Now. I'm in trouble.

NOW. The worst. It is a hair, a grain of sand, a breath away from being done for me, done to me. NOW means whatever was going to happen is going to happen with anger, with fury, is going to be exacting and punishing, carved into my memory so that NOW won't be necessary a second time. I hate NOW. It makes my bones crawl.

I cannot breathe in Now. I cannot think in Now. I am automatic and I pray that I am obedient. Good girls don't need Now.

But I do. Now.